the gathering place

Choice

2010-09-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that some times I judge someone based on their outward appearance: how they look, act, speak, and carry themselves. Any honest person would probably agree with me when I say I think we all do. However, I'll also freely admit that even when I take chances and opportunities, take time and make effort to get to know someone, sometimes...hopefully not many times, I end up deciding how I feel about someone, for good or ill, long before I actually know someone.

Knowing someone is such a relative and subjective qualification. Who is to say how much time you must spend or how long you need to have known someone before you can really "know" them? Is there a written rule? Is it somehow ingrained into everyone's psyche except mine? I don't believe so. It's a Choice. I decide...and because I choose, I think of all the times when I wished for one more day, one more conversation, one more moment in the hopes that I could impart some knowledge of myself to someone else, as if it'd make a difference. It is why I often find myself choosing to spend one more moment, one more conversation, one more day to learn that little bit more about someone because it does make a difference...

I make the choice to open my mind to things I never once was able to fathom - to new ideas, different circumstances, infinite possibilities and objectivity I didn't know before. The choice to accept someone for who they are, aware of where they've been and what they've been through, aware that every step they've tread has led them to the person I see before me. The choice to be sincere and genuine, not only in words, but in actions and in heart...and especially the choice to cherish and love freely and truly, without reservation and bias.

I've noticed in my lifetime that THAT choice, to love without reservation and bias is something that is extremely difficult. It is something my mom would claim isn't possible except with someone who is of your own flesh and blood. We all think we can do it, we all think we actually do it, and yet when the choice is upon us, we must confront the fact that maybe we haven't done it at all...that there's always an expectation we have of the other, a return for the love we've provided, a reservation we keep in case of emergencies, a neglect we would never have toward ourselves or our children, and a selfishness that we wouldn't want to admit existed in the way we love.

It is a difficult thing, to believe it of others and especially of myself, but I've found it within myself, acknowledged it, confronted it, and I know as much as it is possible to know, what my Choice is.

The Light

2010-08-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone speaks of the light at the end of the tunnel. The light that shines from Heaven to guide your soul to where it belongs, to where it shall return...but there is no tunnel. There aren't trumpets blaring, angels singing...there was only light...The light acting as a backdrop for all the memories of my past.

It's strange when you consider how difficult it usually is to remember your childhood, but they were the most vivid memories of all. Memories of my first day of school, walking hand in hand with my grandmother. Of sitting in a concrete pipe with Anza, waiting for my brother to get out of class so we could walk home together. Of swinging He-Man swords and watching fireworks at Disneyland. Of Simon Says, Mother May I, Red Rover, Mario Bros, Four Square and Hand Ball. Of 25 cent "giant" cookies and Popcorn Fridays. Of attending my first class at Bray Elementary. Of making new friends, the best of friends, and of being DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince...of my first kiss, and my first love.

The more recent the memories, the more quickly they passed by, the harder they were to distinguish. Memories of my adolescence and memories that were fresh in my mind became convoluted, all flashing before my eyes in a blur, quickly entering and leaving my field of vision as others lingered at the corners of my sight. So many memories...so much joy and happiness, sadness and heartbreak, so much...Life. You never truly see how much of it you experience, how much it truly means to you as you do when it is about to be taken away...

I thought to myself...this can’t be the end. The thought that it wasn't fair never crossed my mind because I didn't think it was possible...I couldn't fathom it...for this to be the end. I had so much more to live for, so much more to do. I wanted to see my cousins grow up. I wanted to steer them around the potholes I fell in, to prevent the pain that was unavoidable for me, and if I couldn't, to pick them up when they fell down. I wanted to truly love, to be selfless and giving, understanding and considerate, and have Her show me the same regard and concern in return. I wanted to introduce my mom to Her - the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to give her the daughter she never had, to love and care for her as if she were of her own blood. I wanted to teach my children all the beauty this world had to offer, to show them all that was possible, and relish in the lives they chose to lead. I couldn't leave yet, and so I prayed to God...please don't let me go yet, not just yet...

And so I returned as the light slowly receded...given another chance to prove the conviction of my soul. I seldom think on it, but tonight is one of those nights - my feelings swell within me, my thoughts struggle to escape me, my sense of direction, of motivation, of purpose is at a fever-pitch as the mood of my soul waxes and wanes, the shape of my life takes form, and a new chapter in my life begins to unfold. fyh

Possibilities

2010-08-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

I find it is the simplest of tasks for me to shape my thoughts and feelings into words, to form them into sentences, to assemble them into stories...it is not the How of it that eludes me, but the Why, or rather, my unrelenting and unflappable assumption that no one is capable of understanding my thoughts or feelings - how could they...how could they know when I, every single day of my life, strive to understand it, cope with it, make sense of it and yet cannot fathom the Why?

Why...It taunts and pokes at me, requiring a response I often refuse to give. I find the "courage" to ignore it, to hold it at bay, and yet I am more afraid of it now than I ever was before. Afraid that it will take from me all that I hold dear, and afraid that even if it doesn't, it has compelled me to push away those I had wished to hold close...so that in the end, regardless of the outcome, I have lost what I wished to find, whether of my own accord or otherwise...tears do not begin to do justice to the feelings I harbor because of it.

My mind yearns for the comfort of detachment. It attempts to soothe my heart and soul with the logic of loneliness, not only to spare me, but to spare others as well, and most importantly, to spare Her the trials and tribulations of loving me. Often, it succeeds in it's subconscious endeavor even as my soul cries out with understanding and my heart sheds its tears of comprehension. Alas, my baser instincts and deep-set desire overpower my mind and all its logic! ...but most importantly, my inability to relinquish the power of Hope, my single-minded vision of its strength suffuses me and I just...can't...give...up.

So in my hypocrisy, I wish on the stars, whisper to the night, and pray to the heavens that some magnanimous soul will brave the treacherous and contemptuous waters of my mind. To convince my mind's ferryman the sincerity and truth of its conviction, to find its way to the island I have chosen to reside on, so purposely far away it would seem I desire nothing but solitude, but in actuality...I don't.

I will not...I cannot...For all the world, for all of me, I refuse to believe in the logic that surrounds me. It *is* possible to find Her. It *is* possible for Her to find me. One day it shall come to pass - that there is more to my life than the routine, and no matter the circumstances of my present, or my future for that matter, She will be able to see past it and to me, to find me, on the island I secretly wished was not...I may not fully believe I deserve it, but I will believe in Her should she say I do. fyh

Serenity in Solitude

2010-06-20T18:45:00.001-07:00

In the still silence of the night, I float in an empty dream free of turmoil and complications. A formless essence slowly coalesces into the shape of my body, and I feel the chill of stone as the balls of my feet lightly touch the surface of my world.

I hear the vibrations as I take step after step, moving forward, moving backward, moving side to side and all around. The quiet allows me to hear the natural quickness of my heartbeat and the sound of my own breath. I move slowly, deliberately, confident in the certainty of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my purpose.

A placidness and calm I've seldom found in the presence of others, but re-discover every time I spend time alone, undisturbed by the world around me, not because I have chosen to run from it, but because I have chosen to stand my ground in front of it. It allows me to be the person that is truly me - stripped of all my titles, all my traits and attributes, all my personality and responsibilities.

Where the silence surrounding me fills me with more meaning and purpose than spoken words ever could. Where eyes gently closed see a million times clearer than ones wide open ever could. Where a finger traced slowly down my chest recalls more memories than pictures ever could. Where a single tear escaping out of the corner of my eye holds more emotion than a thousand laughs and smiles ever could.

It is a state of being, my state of being, that exists deep within. A place I return to at times, to tend and renew, to return to again. A place where silence does not create a void, but where peace fills it. Not where I feel fear in loneliness, but where I feel serenity in solitude.

Chances

2010-05-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

I used to think that opportunities and chances were one and the same, and I never felt like there was a difference between one or the other, but over the past several months, I've come to redefine them in my own terms. Opportunities were things I was presented with not because of some lucky coincidence, but because I had worked toward earning it, while chances always have the connotation of being some random lucky draw you just so happened to win.

...something that when you try and wrap a definition around it, seems to be a circumstance that you're unsure about - never knowing it was there, not knowing if anything will come of it, unable to determine whether it is for good or ill, but available to you nonetheless.

These past few months I've seized on many of the chances I've been given, and although they haven't all turned out as I had hoped, I'm glad I took them. I've noticed the older I get, the less they seem to occur, and thus I make the best effort I can...but it brings me to a question.

I see and know how difficult it is to give someone a chance and why it is so, but it still doesn't stop me from asking myself "Why not?"

Why not allow me to prove that I can do a job better than anybody else you will find? Why not trust your instincts instead of what's written on a piece of paper or what's not?

Why not give me a chance to get to know you and vice-versa? Why not trust your heart instead of what's written on your brain or what's not?

...And so I've learned that chances are not something you earn, but something you are given, not because you deserve one and not because it's your due, but because of a feeling, an inkling, that perhaps something good or something great may come of it, and you, and someone is willing to take that risk to see it come to fruition.

I'm not currently in a position to give chances to anybody concerning a job or career, but I try and make a valiant effort to do the best I can in the other aspect - to let go of my reservations, take someone as they are, and take the time to find out who that is...because at the end of the day, when you ask yourself "How do you know who, what, or how someone is?", the answer is...you don't...so I give most everyone a chance to get to know me, and I only hope for the same in return. I often find myself pleasantly surprised, sometimes forever grateful, or at worst, slightly disappointed.

At the end of the day, it's up to each one of us to determine whether we are willing to open ourselves to that risk of disappointment in order to see what rewards we may receive, or if we'd rather be safe and secure in our current state of being. I only hope that I am lucky enough in my near future to receive more undeserved and unqualified, but definitely not unappreciated, chances to prove myself - in life, and in love.

Haunted

2010-03-04T09:37:00.001-08:00

It's been so long since I've spared more than a few moments to think of you...You often cross my mind like spots floating in my field of vision, unsure if they are really there, unable to focus on them, yet somehow unable to see anything else.

I force myself to think of you now. To remember you. To experience the moments we shared with one another as if they occurred not years ago, but moments ago...not to recall the feelings of happiness or joy, but the feelings of sadness and disappointment. Not to recall your smile or laugh, but the look of indifference in your eyes and the sound of tolerance in your voice.

I wanted to take from us all the wonderful things you taught me, but you also left me with something I've never taken the time to identify or qualify, and over the past week I've had a constant reminder just how powerful it really is. You were the first person, and thus far the only person, I've ever just been me with...The crazy-stupid, wacky, funny, illogical person I want to be when no one is looking, except I wanted you to see...To know that behind the responsibility and the seriousness, beyond being proper and trying to be a role model, I wanted to be my own person, and could be my own person, with you.

For the life of me...you didn't think it was stupid or dumb. You made me feel safe in being myself. You accepted me for me, and it made me feel that much better about always being that way with you. And yet, in the end, it wasn't safe. In the end, for a reason still unknown to this day, it wasn't okay. Now that I think on it, taking the time to truly examine it, as open as I try to be with everyone I meet, as honest as I try to be, I can only remain so if I feel safe in the knowledge that what is truly me is still hidden and shrouded in obscurity...and although there are times when I lapse into actually revealing a bit of myself I so desperately try to withhold, I take comfort that it is only one piece in an otherwise unclear puzzle.

Over the years, I've come to feel that I'm a fairly open and honest person, choosing to share a lot of my thoughts and feelings with almost anyone, and more with those I have come to grow close to. But I've come to find out...that that really isn't the case at all. It's a paradox - I begin my relationships open and honest, unabashed about how I feel or what I think, and yet the closer I feel to someone, the more they learn about me and I of them, the more cautious and standoffish I become, often pushing people away before they can learn of my fears and desires, my prayers and my hopes.

I never knew it...but I'm haunted by the pain and sadness of truly opening myself up to someone, and I'm afraid to do it again. It's not my *greatest* fear, but it is ever-present in my subconscious. Perhaps one day, much like Casper, there will be a way to set me free of the ghost of you. fyh

The Road

2010-02-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'm very much a people person. I spend every day introducing myself to new people, interacting and communicating with them on a professional level while I work and a personal level at play. I enjoy learning about people and above all, I enjoy the daily reminder that although we lead different lives, have different goals and dreams, we are all connected through our relationships with those that share our lives.

The better I get to know someone, the more I value their opinion and advice. The more their life impacts mine, the more I want to share my life with them as well. I have very few "friends", but those that I do have share a large portion of my heart and stay in my thoughts often. I rely on them and hope they know they can rely on me as well.

...But with girls, I've always noticed that at one time or another, there is or there will come a time when one of us, perhaps both of us, will come to the realization that if we are such great friends, why couldn't it be possible to have something beyond friendship? Why wouldn't it be better? If you care about one another, like one another through all the flaws and imperfections, strengths and qualities that you have come to discover, couldn't it be...more? Sometimes you start down the road of friendship and are happy to remain. Sometimes you want that road to diverge to something beyond, and sometimes you find yourself wanting to start at the fork and never look back...but I've come to realize that there aren't two roads...

The Road. We all start at the beginning, together, but throughout each journey, we often find one person walking a little faster, wishing the other would hurry to catch up, often wanting to drag them along even if they are content with the distance they've come so far. Sometimes I see the end in sight and the other person doesn't even know there is an end, and sometimes the opposite. Sometimes the only way to remain together is to be content in where we are, even if it's not the end, and sometimes that is not enough - the pain too great, the risk unworthy of the reward, so we lose our way.

...Sometimes you meet someone who you can picture with you at the end, unsure if it is a vision of the future or just a mirage barely visible from the corner of your eye, but whether a dream or reality, you find that however fast you might have to run, however slow you might need to walk, perhaps even stopping to enjoy the landscape of the moment, you are content with that...not because you can see the end in sight, but regardless of the ending, you don't want to take a step ahead or behind that person, only beside them. fyh

Courage

2010-02-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

Mark Twain said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." I've always felt I had some. Maybe not in surplus, or a large abundance, but an adequate amount - enough to get me by. It's hard to be brave all the time. It's hard to show courage in the face of anything and everything. Sometimes...fear just gets the best of us.

Fear doesn't have to be debilitating or insurmountable, but often times it is just below the surface waiting for a chance to creep up on you. For me at least, there is always a small reminder of it in the back of my mind. Most of the time, it doesn't take any sort of conscious effort, bravery or courage to invisibly carry it around inside. My everyday life, family, and friends help me cope with it and move forward. But sometimes, it *does* creep up on me, and *sometimes*, it does cause me pain and sadness, but I think that's just the way of it - I think if there was a way to permanently remove fear from our lives...we'd be different. I think fear is an inherent human emotion that is part of what makes us...us - and without it, we'd be incomplete.

I say that, and yet I'm scared, and I don't wish to be. I wish it'd just go away, but I try to find the courage to hold it at bay and hold myself together - it isn't always easy, and at times, I can't. I used to think that "Courage" was putting on a brave face and showing others that everything is fine, to not worry and smile and laugh, all the while shaking and trembling deep inside...but courage is definitely not that. I need to gather myself, not only to be okay in the face of others, but to be okay within myself, to come to terms with my fears and my worries and realize that as afraid and uneasy as I may be, I need to be able to make peace with them...that's the Courage I am looking for, and that's the Courage I'm hoping to find.

Enlightening

2009-12-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

Life is often what you make of it. You can wake up, get out of bed, go to work, do your job, come home, and get ready to do it all again, or you can take that minuscule extra amount of time it takes to do more, think, reflect, and learn something new each and every day, or if you're really lucky...maybe, just maybe, you can be blessed with a moment of enlightenment - when you realize that your outlook on things is now forever different than it was just a moment before.

This week has been especially stressful for me, but in (mostly) a good way. On Monday, I was given the opportunity to register DSL service and set up a wireless network for a small family. What makes their situation especially different is that they chose to get broadband Internet because the gentleman's wife was diagnosed with leukemia just two weeks ago, and in order for her to stay in touch with their 4 yr old daughter and 7 yr old son, they wanted to set up a web camera at the hospital and their home so she could see her kids and vice-versa.

As (bad) luck would have it, their dsl modem/router did not work initially (Mon - which is how I came to hear the story of what was transpiring). I exchanged it and tried again (Tues) to no avail. I called AT&T, which ran line tests, then scheduled and met with a technician to correct any issues (Wed). Their test modem worked just fine, but it was awkward that two brand new modems didn't work. I brought my own modem from home, which worked, and gave it to them (Thurs) and exchanged their modem for a router and set up their network (today, Fri). I helped them install their webcam and Skype, registering accounts so they could test it at home before bringing one of the laptops to the hospital. I can't describe what it meant to see their disappointment over several days when nothing seemed to work or go right, to seeing their relief, their excitement, their happiness and smiles knowing that they would be able to accomplish what they set out to do.

I was simply amazed...

...To watch the husband trying so hard to do everything, never stopping or slowing down - going to work, picking his kids up from pre-school and elementary school, getting them changed, making sure they did their homework, making sure they had dinner to eat, dealing with me and leaving for the hospital each evening (his parents came over and stayed with the kids overnight) to be with his wife, all while never once showing his kids the difficulty and sadness he must be experiencing. I can only hope I have the strength and determination to be that sort of husband whenever I do get married.

...To find out that no matter how many appointments I had scheduled, I could always find time to drive by and check in, and at the very least, let them know that they were still on my mind and that we would get it taken care of...that spending a few minutes of my time returning and exchanging items for them meant saving them hours driving back and forth when they had so much more important matters to take care of.

...To realize, yet again, that no matter how bad things are, someone always has it worse. To learn again that I should appreciate what I have and take a little bit of time out to show it. To see the strength of the human spirit, that when things seem like they can't get any worse...to know we can still come together, everyone doing their own small part to help someone else in need.

I didn't have the heart to say "Merry Christmas" and while on the verge of tears when leaving, I cried the entire way to my next appointment. My heart goes out to that family and their troubled times to come this holiday season, and knowing I can't do anything more than I have done is difficult to swallow. Knowing that my "busy" life can be so much more than it is motivates me, and as often is the case, I will redouble my efforts to make it so. Most importantly, I will make efforts to let those I do appreciate and value in my life know so, even if I am horrible at it - bear with me.

...We're often given the opportunity to see things from different perspectives, and while I definitely know how it feels to be that person in the hospital, often filled with self-pity because no one could possibly understand, other times worried about how everyone is coping...now seeing it from the other side and how it must feel being the family, unable to do anything to help is...Enlightening.

New beginnings...

2009-11-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

As difficult as it is to truly say goodbye to something or someone (and just thinking about the people and the things I've had to say goodbye to recently stifles me), I think it's even more difficult to find the courage to move on and begin anew.

It's so easy to hold onto the past, to reminisce and hope that it can be as it once was. I've done it myself many a time. Eventually...*eventually*, I have to find the determination and the motivation to push forward, no matter how much I want to remain in the past. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, sometimes I go slumped and defeated, sometimes I cry as I struggle to let go, and other times I am able to hold my head high and move on without looking back.

I speak of "new beginnings" mostly because throughout my life, they haven't been - the majority of the time, I am reluctant to let go and even as I take one step forward, my head itches to turn around and look for what is only there as memories. It's hard, it truly is...

At this point in my life, although I'll never be over the occasional over-the-shoulder look into the past, I have realized that it is up to me, and only me, to move on, move forward, toward my future and away from my past. What has come before has shown me wisdom, given me knowledge, and served me humility. Who was in my past has shaped my personality, focused my views, and clarified my definitions - of what it means to be a friend, a lover, and a person worthy of those titles.

So as I say my goodbyes and start my new beginnings, I admit the fear that consumes me - of not knowing what's in store or how things will end, but having the friends, the family, and all that I've been allowed to learn beside me in this journey toward whatever it is that is out there for me. fyh

Goodbyes

2009-11-07T08:35:00.000-08:00

What is it about goodbyes? Perhaps it's the memories that play across my mind. Perhaps it's the thought that afterward, these memories will only be memories...that they will remain in my past, and no longer be part of my future. It saddens me to realize this truth. How do you begin to relegate something or someone to your past when you want so much for them to be in your present and your future?

Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.

Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.

Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".

Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh

just writing...

2009-10-29T09:55:00.001-07:00

*a repost of an old blog because, for some reason, i always find random people i don't know captivating*

i often wonder to myself how this world ever came to be. the simplicity, the complexity, the black and white mixed with every shade of gray...it boggles my mind how hopeful and beautiful it can be one moment, and how bleak and ugly it can be the next.

i guess that's the way of things. everything needs balance, everything needs another force to contradict it, to challenge it, to justify it. i mean...what is good without evil. what is honesty without deceit. what is love without hate.

i guess i'm thinking of these things because whenever i see the glass half empty, something always reminds me that "no...it's half full". i meet people every day, hear and see the way they project themselves, the way they wish to be seen, and a lot of times it makes me wonder why people try so hard to be who they aren't. but who am i to decide whether they are deceiving themselves and others, or if they are truly themselves or at least are some part of themselves? i look within myself, look at how varied and bi-polar i can be at times, and it makes me realize...i don't know...there in lies the opportunity - the opportunity to put aside the pre-judgment and take the time to find out. with experience, with time, with taken opportunities, i have found the beauty hidden underneath the ugliness in everyone, fear and hate, strength and love, the same thoughts and feelings i myself have thought and felt a hundred thousand times before.

i think that is why i love reading blogs. it gives me the opportunity to learn about someone, to put myself in their shoes and imagine how they felt and are feeling without the prejudice of assuming i know beforehand what that is. i think people blog about their daily lives...so they don't have to cage away their thoughts and so they can put it out there because perhaps...just maybe, someone else out there knows how they feel and has felt what they're feeling. not for any sort of confirmation, advice, or sympathy, but just a silent cry to the stars with the knowledge that somewhere out there exists a person who knows what i'm feeling and may be feeling it right now, at this exact moment with me.

my favorite tv show has always been "the wonder years" and more recently "how i met your mother" - they materialize a desire i've always had my entire life; to be able to put into words, into speech, how i felt in the most precious moments of my life - to be able to explain how i felt, how i thought someone else felt, and dictate my memories so that others who might inquire or care would know my true thoughts. it's as if i am having a conversation with this person whose touching, viewing, feeling my life, holding their hand, smiling at them, letting their head rest against mine, letting their hand rest upon my heart, and all the feeling and thoughts so subtly hiding underneath the surface of my being suffuses their heart and their mind so they may feel what i felt, think what i thought and know the truth of that moment, my moment, forever now our moment...

i pray i can take the opportunities presented to me to find friendship where there was only intrigue, and if i'm luckily than i imagine myself to be, perhaps find love where there was only friendship.

Paths

2009-10-15T22:05:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I made it out to my 10 year high school reunion...That's right, a whole 10 years have already gone by. It was great to see familiar faces, catch up on what everyone has been up to - with their careers, their family, their lives in general. Getting a chance to see everyone and converse with them made me realize a lot of things, about life and about me.

First and foremost, I've grown a whole lot in these past 10 years. The person I am is not the person I was, but I'm happy to say a large part of that "old me" still exists to this day, and looking back I'm lucky that I was able to hold on to that identity and expand upon it. The rest of it, the "new me", is not only lucky because I happened to develop heart failure months after graduation and obtained a heart transplant about a year afterward, but also lucky because it allowed me to experience a lot of the ups and downs that we only read about and see on tv. I was arrogant and expectant, the world sitting on a pedestal for the taking, and I poised to take it, only to be reduced in my adolescent eyes and humbled now in my adult ones.

It's been almost 9 years since then, and one of the most important things I've learned is that you can never really know a person until you take the opportunity to. What is on the surface is rarely what's inside, and it's short-sighted to assume so and closed-minded to pretend to know. I hope I have renewed some friendships and have and take the opportunity to keep them for a long time to come.

The most important thing I learned is that I realized we all walk different paths. The path I thought I was meant to walk diverted onto a different one, one I realized was the right path only after I was forced onto it. Going to college for 4 years, grad school for 2, finding a job, starting my career and getting married at 26, having 2-3 kids by 30 exactly in that order wasn't the path for me, and isn't the right path for everyone. Seeing everyone again, thinking of those of us that were not able to attend, and listening and learning about our lives, it's important to remember that whatever path we are on or have traveled, that we take and learn from our experiences. We take one step at a time, toward our own goals and dreams, and sometimes have to sidestep out of harm's way.

I hope in the *next* 10 years, we all choose the right path for ourselves, don't berate ourselves too much for sometimes choosing the wrong one, and choose to grow and learn from all of it, good or bad, right or wrong, because at the end of the day, if you are happy with where you are, you only got there because of the path you chose, including the few times you had to backtrack. I hope our paths will cross again in the future...Find Your Happiness.

Opportunities

2009-10-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at work installing a wireless network at a residence in Duncanville, directly across from their high school. As I was leaving, I heard the marching band in the background, playing scales, either warming up or getting ready to leave I'm not sure. It reminded me of my own time in marching band in high school, and everything that being in band allowed me to experience and see.

When I think back, I got a chance to go to Disney World when I was 14 because I was in band. I went to every football game, got a chance to meet new people, see new places, compete against my peers across my district, area, and sometimes state. Through out high school, I traveled to Washington, D.C, Houston, San Antonio, all around the Metroplex and beyond it because I was involved in extracurricular activities and academic competitions.

What really got me thinking back was the fact that when I was in high school, I was given the opportunity to do all these things - and I took them. It made me realize that when we are younger, going through grade school and even somewhat in college, opportunities are being thrown at us left and right, we just had to take them. I miss it - being given opportunities as if we all deserved them, and yet still refusing to take them, lol.

Flash forward to the present, and I find that opportunities are very far and few in-between. No one takes a second glance at you and just offers you a job, or a home, or free schooling, or more importantly, offers to be an acquaintance, a friend, or even a significant other - you have to make every effort to find these opportunities that exist, and I do believe they exist, but you have to find them and take them because they are never given.

So here's to taking opportunities as they come and making an effort to find them as well as preparing myself for when they do arise.

Balance

2009-08-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

"Do, or do not, there is no try." -Yoda

Who would've known such wisdom would come from George Lucas? I mean, that's from the same guy who said:

I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft and smooth." -Anakin

I'm always torn between doing or not doing. Often times I do too much - I explain myself too much, I'm overbearing to the point of annoyance, I try to teach the same lesson over and over to no avail, I talk, talk, and talk some more.

A lot of times I don't do enough - I assume things are taken care of, I let good friends fall to the wayside, I give up on things and on people because I can't be bothered to actually TRY and do something!

The point is (and isn't there *always* a point with me?) I've never really tried to find a good balance between the two. To know when enough is enough, to cut my losses, to take the measure of my current winnings and cash out with something rather than nothing at all...but at the same time, to be willing to risk myself, mentally, emotionally, sometimes even physically, to attain something that is worth that risk. I think it's a hard lesson to learn, the ability to gauge and obtain that balance, but I am trying.

Each day I feel better about the direction I am heading, and more importantly, where I currently am. Not for a very long time have I felt that...the sense of stability and peace that I have right now. I hope that it stays with me for a long time. =]

Intangible

2009-08-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

I went to watch (500) Days of Summer over the weekend and to put it simply, it's awesome. I think every single person in the entire world would benefit from seeing it - if just for a few laughs, that'd be enough, but if you want to take more from it, there is definitely more to take...and knowing me, I take a lot from everything (which...now that I really think about it can be a horrible thing, lol), hence this blog, yeah? I want to warn everyone who hasn't seen it, and the movie warns you as well, that this is *NOT* a love story - I may spoil bits and pieces of it as well, so...**WARNING** now!

Have you ever met someone who you find absolutely captivating? You love everything about them, and to top it all off, your family and friends feel exactly the same way!There is nothing that you could say or point out that would explain why you don't want to spend every single day of the rest of your life with this person, and yet...there it is.

I've met one or two that, when asked, I was unable to come up with a reason not to be with/date them. The only thing I *was* able to say was that there was just...something...missing. That INTANGIBLE quality that you can't define or describe, but is just absent.

What is it about our psyche and our emotions that requires this *thing* we can't even put words to, and worse yet, can't say when or if it will ever materialize until it does? I found that when I was listening to Summer tell Tom

"I woke up one day and I knew. I knew what I was always uncertain of with you.” -Summer Finn

it made me angry. It made me sad. It made me laugh that I could be angry and sad about how brutally honest she was, but isn't that just it? It's honest. True. I have tried unsuccessfully many times to understand that. How could it happen that way? What changed, what took place, to be able to change someone's mindset and feelings so immediately? *It* happened, that something intangible that rubber stamps the word "Forever" onto their heart concerning that certain someone.

"You were right about all of it. It just wasn't me you were right about." -Summer Finn

You can't burrow your way into someone's heart. You can't make a home for yourself and refuse to leave because *you* feel you belong there. You take what is given, relish what is shared, and hope beyond all hope, that some momentous day, that heart will know you belong there just as if you've always been there.

Things happen for a reason, when they are supposed to happen. I believe that, mostly, so I'll take it as it comes and do what I must, and leave the rest of it up to Fate.

Past, Present, and Future

2009-08-14T01:10:00.000-07:00

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be" -Marcel Pagnol

I reminisce of the many memories which make up my past - The things I've done and the people I've known, and I see them through rose-colored glasses - everything seems better than it may actually have been.

Yet in our present, those same rose-colored glasses are nowhere to be seen. Everything is always complex, always difficult, always uncertain. It makes us scream, makes us hide from others, and within ourselves. It halts our decisions and freezes our thoughts because we are too scared to choose a path that may lead us down the wrong road, away from comfortable surroundings, away from comforting arms, away from what seems to bring us peace.

But in the end, when all is said and done, when we can no longer hide from ourselves, from others, and most definitely not from Time, we all must try and make those choices that bring us closer to happiness, and farther away from sadness. The future is uncertain, unknowable, but the choices we make today, in the present, can help us find a bit of happiness and eventually lead us to more.

It is easy to cling onto past feelings of happiness and joy, hold onto someone who used to treat us with love and respect. It is also easy to confuse those memories, those "someones" and see them in the present as they once were in our past. We hold on to how they used to be, never seeing them for how they are now.

It is harder still to open our own eyes, to let the truth that we seem to want to deny inside our heart, but eventually, we all must do so. To continue to deny the truth will only bring more pain, more confusion, and more uncertainty.

"Take it as it comes" - *live*, truly live in the present, don't reside here waiting for the future, hoping it will be better than now. Make your choices, abide by them, have faith in them, and hope...know...that those choices will lead you down the road you are meant to travel.

Hope

2009-08-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

I always ramble on about how awesome Hope is. Hope is the single thing in my life that motivates me to continue it - hope that I can better myself and my station, hope that I can teach, share, and learn from my cousins, my family, my friends. Hope that all the things I long for, strive for, work for will eventually be within my grasp. Hope that things will only get better...

But Hope is a double-edged sword. It gives me strength and motivation and yet saps it ten fold.

"Hope? Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." - Red, Shawshank Redemption

I hope for so many things, and some times, often at the most important of times, that hope is extinguished right before my eyes. In those moments, there is no worse feeling...it feels like nothing could ever make me hope again. Hope is for fools! Hope is deceptive like the light shining down upon you underneath the water, as you struggle to climb, to reach for it, only to end up drowning before breaking the surface!

And yet...I pick myself up, and allow myself to hope once more. No matter how many times I am knocked down, no matter how many times I am greeted with failure, dismissal, or untruth, I will hope...because I can't let the actions of one person, the results of one event, control the direction of my life and definitely not the content of my personality and shape of my disposition.

I hope for so much, for myself, for my family, for my friends, but most importantly, I hope that Hope spreads, just a little, from the things I choose to do, things I choose to say, and definitely from the things I choose to believe and think.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Andy, Shawshank Redemption

Truth

2009-05-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, one concept has occupied my mind over any other, and that is Truth. Throughout my life, I've tried to incorporate this concept into my everyday. I'm no where near perfect, and as such, have not always been able to be honest, or stay honest, and definitely not imply honesty in all that I do.

However, I think it's been on my mind lately because I've come to find, over and over again, that it truly is the most important thing about a relationship, and most importantly, I've come to find that the majority of mine, it hasn't been there.

I have never claimed, nor do I claim now, that I haven't lied in a relationship or allowed the other party to believe a lie...but the older I get, the more I know that I no longer wish lies or untruth to be a part of my relationships, from my side or hers.

Thinking back, being in a relationship where you feel you can trust the other person completely is a powerful thing - it gives you confidence to always be yourself, always speak your mind, and to know that when things are great, they truly are...it's not a figment of your imagination, there's no magic spell or time limit before the illusion disappears, it just...is. It also allows for very open communication when problems do arise, but that's a completely different blog in the making.

Truth - such an easy concept, yet something that eludes almost all of us at one time or another, but why is that? My thought is that it's because we, or at least I, are afraid to really allow someone to see us bare, as we truly are. A la Clint Eastwood - the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. It's unnerving to know that someone can know us so completely and not be afraid or disgusted with the things they see, but if we were to all look at ourselves with Truth behind our eyes, we would see that every single one of us has that within us, if we could just admit that to ourselves.

Suffice it to say, there are very few people I've ever met that when I first think of them, the first character trait that comes to mind is trustworthiness. There are a few, and because of them, my heart is happy, and I think I need to make it a priority to befriend and reconnect with more individuals like them.

connections

2007-04-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

So as some of you know, yesterday I took some time to leave a few comments and messages to my friends on myspace. I was thinking about that today reading some of your replies and it still amazes me how much a simple "hello!" or "how ya doing?" can really brighten someone's day, let alone give some small satisfaction in someone's life. It reminds me of that scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler calls up Steve Buscemi to apologize for the way he treated him in high school - you probably know the scene ends with Steve crossing Adam's name off his "people I'm going to kill" list - and all that just because of a simple call and apology! I'm happy to hear that the majority of you are doing very well for yourselves and that you are doing so much with your lives - but more importantly, that you are doing what you enjoy.

I say all that and still a large part of me feels secure in my solitude and sheltered in my seclusion. Let's face it, I think a lot, and the tranquility granted by my successful attempts at not "going out" or "hanging out" has allowed me the time to try and work things out within myself and for myself...and yet, I cherish and reminisce of easier and happier times spent in the company of friends and loved ones and most importantly, A loved one - sometimes I long for that so much it hurts, but in the few years since this relative lack of companionship, I've come to terms with all that and think of the happier times instead of dwelling on the sadder ones - it's a start in the right direction.

I had a chat with a friend the other night and jokingly said that sometimes I think I'm bi-polar...sometimes I'm so happy and am so glad for all the gifts and blessings I've recieved, and sometimes I'm so frustrated and perturbed by all the misfortunes and "trials" I've had to endure and even continue to endure. In a way, it does make sense...but why is it? Why is it I feel this way and suddenly that way? Why is it that I love and enjoy art, photography, music and literature and yet pursue a career in computers, science, and business just because of the sake that I'm good at it? Why can I waste an entire day staring at photography - mesmerized by the beauty of captured memories and captivated by the miracle that occured to allow such a moment to be emblazoned in print - and spend countless hours struggling to find an logic algorithm no matter how frustrating it gets?

Speaking of photography, as I delve deeper into this field and experience it first hand, I often find myself thinking that photography, and art in general, is the culmination and gathering of such myterious and mystic forces and elements. While some photographers can turn typical moments into momentous ones, often times being at the right place and the right time is all you really need - it's really incredible.

But yeah, back to being bi-polar ^_^ A quote from Dead Poet's Society comes to mind for me: "One reads poetry because he is a member of the human race and the human race is filled with passion! Medicine, Law, Banking-these are necessary to sustain life-but poetry, romance, love, beauty! These are what we stay alive for." - Jon Keating, Dead Poet's Society. I think I became of two minds after I watched that movie oh so long ago - and I agreed with it. I was content with doing what needed to be done, but I wanted to live for so much more than that. Let's just hope passion fills me more often than not, because such passion, I don't believe, can be sustained indefinitely.

I've met many intriquing, interesting, and unique individuals these past few weeks, and if luck is on my side, perhaps I'll have the pleasure of getting to know them just a bit better - what else can I say but I'm glad I'm still around, most of the time, and I'm glad I can share this space with you