The Line

My life has been filled with valleys and peaks, ups and downs, gradual descents and careful climbs, but the memories that reside on the surface of my mind are of the plateaus with the inexplicable cliffs and the unscalable mountains with nary a handhold. It's in these memories that one wrong step would send me over the edge or a misplaced hand would have me grasping air. It's in these moments I've always struggled to see the hands reaching out to pull me up or hear the voices calling out for me to watch my step.

I've never been an oblivious person, and yet have always disregarded the strength that has grasped my hands and the warnings that have undoubtedly found their way to my ears. I've lost friends and pushed away family in my struggle to find peace within myself first, unwilling and afraid to share the chaos that ultimately resides inside of me...the battle that rages between sadness and joy, apathy and purpose, resignation and hope...The Line that has guided the direction I have traveled for the better part of 13 years.

I've always had a tenuous balance walking this line, ever terrified of slipping into the darkness below with no way to climb back into the light...and with this fear, I've always refused to allow another to walk beside me - not because I'd be unable to support or guide them, and not because I'm afraid they'd disrupt my own focus, but because if I did fall, what would happen if I reached out and was met with emptiness? Worst of all, if I was to fall, what would happen if they fell with me? I never wanted to place that burden on someone, just as I never wanted to accept that responsibility, but these questions were always at the forefront of my mind...

But you never gave credence to my concerns let alone to my questions.  You never let me turn you away, never took my reservation as a slight, and instead you convinced me to take your hand and bring you with me...and instead of unsteadiness, I found stability. Instead of a hindrance, I found relief...but most of all, I found love - not the modern word filled with responsibility and expectation, but the pure ideal unburdened and free of the strings so often attached to it.  A feeling I never believed could be constant and unwavering, but continues to be so...

You answer my questions every single day with the concern in your eyes, the worry in your voice, and the care in your touch, and the line that has not disappeared or become less treacherous has instead become easier to walk, with you. You've brought feeling back to my cold hands, hearing back to my deaf ears, and I'm now able to grasp the strength offered me and heed the warnings given me, without reservation, without shame, without fear. For that, you have my gratitude, but for everything else, you will always have my love.