Balance

"Do, or do not, there is no try." -Yoda

Who would've known such wisdom would come from George Lucas? I mean, that's from the same guy who said:

I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft and smooth." -Anakin

I'm always torn between doing or not doing. Often times I do too much - I explain myself too much, I'm overbearing to the point of annoyance, I try to teach the same lesson over and over to no avail, I talk, talk, and talk some more.

A lot of times I don't do enough - I assume things are taken care of, I let good friends fall to the wayside, I give up on things and on people because I can't be bothered to actually TRY and do something!

The point is (and isn't there *always* a point with me?) I've never really tried to find a good balance between the two. To know when enough is enough, to cut my losses, to take the measure of my current winnings and cash out with something rather than nothing at all...but at the same time, to be willing to risk myself, mentally, emotionally, sometimes even physically, to attain something that is worth that risk. I think it's a hard lesson to learn, the ability to gauge and obtain that balance, but I am trying.

Each day I feel better about the direction I am heading, and more importantly, where I currently am. Not for a very long time have I felt that...the sense of stability and peace that I have right now. I hope that it stays with me for a long time. =]

Intangible

I went to watch (500) Days of Summer over the weekend and to put it simply, it's awesome. I think every single person in the entire world would benefit from seeing it - if just for a few laughs, that'd be enough, but if you want to take more from it, there is definitely more to take...and knowing me, I take a lot from everything (which...now that I really think about it can be a horrible thing, lol), hence this blog, yeah? I want to warn everyone who hasn't seen it, and the movie warns you as well, that this is *NOT* a love story - I may spoil bits and pieces of it as well, so...**WARNING** now!

Have you ever met someone who you find absolutely captivating? You love everything about them, and to top it all off, your family and friends feel exactly the same way!There is nothing that you could say or point out that would explain why you don't want to spend every single day of the rest of your life with this person, and yet...there it is.

I've met one or two that, when asked, I was unable to come up with a reason not to be with/date them. The only thing I *was* able to say was that there was just...something...missing. That INTANGIBLE quality that you can't define or describe, but is just absent.

What is it about our psyche and our emotions that requires this *thing* we can't even put words to, and worse yet, can't say when or if it will ever materialize until it does? I found that when I was listening to Summer tell Tom

"I woke up one day and I knew. I knew what I was always uncertain of with you.” -Summer Finn

it made me angry. It made me sad. It made me laugh that I could be angry and sad about how brutally honest she was, but isn't that just it? It's honest. True. I have tried unsuccessfully many times to understand that. How could it happen that way? What changed, what took place, to be able to change someone's mindset and feelings so immediately? *It* happened, that something intangible that rubber stamps the word "Forever" onto their heart concerning that certain someone.

"You were right about all of it. It just wasn't me you were right about." -Summer Finn

You can't burrow your way into someone's heart. You can't make a home for yourself and refuse to leave because *you* feel you belong there. You take what is given, relish what is shared, and hope beyond all hope, that some momentous day, that heart will know you belong there just as if you've always been there.

Things happen for a reason, when they are supposed to happen. I believe that, mostly, so I'll take it as it comes and do what I must, and leave the rest of it up to Fate.

Past, Present, and Future

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be" -Marcel Pagnol

I reminisce of the many memories which make up my past - The things I've done and the people I've known, and I see them through rose-colored glasses - everything seems better than it may actually have been.

Yet in our present, those same rose-colored glasses are nowhere to be seen. Everything is always complex, always difficult, always uncertain. It makes us scream, makes us hide from others, and within ourselves. It halts our decisions and freezes our thoughts because we are too scared to choose a path that may lead us down the wrong road, away from comfortable surroundings, away from comforting arms, away from what seems to bring us peace.

But in the end, when all is said and done, when we can no longer hide from ourselves, from others, and most definitely not from Time, we all must try and make those choices that bring us closer to happiness, and farther away from sadness. The future is uncertain, unknowable, but the choices we make today, in the present, can help us find a bit of happiness and eventually lead us to more.

It is easy to cling onto past feelings of happiness and joy, hold onto someone who used to treat us with love and respect. It is also easy to confuse those memories, those "someones" and see them in the present as they once were in our past. We hold on to how they used to be, never seeing them for how they are now.

It is harder still to open our own eyes, to let the truth that we seem to want to deny inside our heart, but eventually, we all must do so. To continue to deny the truth will only bring more pain, more confusion, and more uncertainty.

"Take it as it comes" - *live*, truly live in the present, don't reside here waiting for the future, hoping it will be better than now. Make your choices, abide by them, have faith in them, and hope...know...that those choices will lead you down the road you are meant to travel.

Hope

I always ramble on about how awesome Hope is. Hope is the single thing in my life that motivates me to continue it - hope that I can better myself and my station, hope that I can teach, share, and learn from my cousins, my family, my friends. Hope that all the things I long for, strive for, work for will eventually be within my grasp. Hope that things will only get better...

But Hope is a double-edged sword. It gives me strength and motivation and yet saps it ten fold.

"Hope? Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." - Red, Shawshank Redemption

I hope for so many things, and some times, often at the most important of times, that hope is extinguished right before my eyes. In those moments, there is no worse feeling...it feels like nothing could ever make me hope again. Hope is for fools! Hope is deceptive like the light shining down upon you underneath the water, as you struggle to climb, to reach for it, only to end up drowning before breaking the surface!

And yet...I pick myself up, and allow myself to hope once more. No matter how many times I am knocked down, no matter how many times I am greeted with failure, dismissal, or untruth, I will hope...because I can't let the actions of one person, the results of one event, control the direction of my life and definitely not the content of my personality and shape of my disposition.

I hope for so much, for myself, for my family, for my friends, but most importantly, I hope that Hope spreads, just a little, from the things I choose to do, things I choose to say, and definitely from the things I choose to believe and think.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Andy, Shawshank Redemption