The Light

Everyone speaks of the light at the end of the tunnel. The light that shines from Heaven to guide your soul to where it belongs, to where it shall return...but there is no tunnel. There aren't trumpets blaring, angels singing...there was only light...The light acting as a backdrop for all the memories of my past.

It's strange when you consider how difficult it usually is to remember your childhood, but they were the most vivid memories of all. Memories of my first day of school, walking hand in hand with my grandmother. Of sitting in a concrete pipe with Anza, waiting for my brother to get out of class so we could walk home together. Of swinging He-Man swords and watching fireworks at Disneyland. Of Simon Says, Mother May I, Red Rover, Mario Bros, Four Square and Hand Ball. Of 25 cent "giant" cookies and Popcorn Fridays. Of attending my first class at Bray Elementary. Of making new friends, the best of friends, and of being DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince...of my first kiss, and my first love.

The more recent the memories, the more quickly they passed by, the harder they were to distinguish. Memories of my adolescence and memories that were fresh in my mind became convoluted, all flashing before my eyes in a blur, quickly entering and leaving my field of vision as others lingered at the corners of my sight. So many memories...so much joy and happiness, sadness and heartbreak, so much...Life. You never truly see how much of it you experience, how much it truly means to you as you do when it is about to be taken away...

I thought to myself...this can’t be the end. The thought that it wasn't fair never crossed my mind because I didn't think it was possible...I couldn't fathom it...for this to be the end. I had so much more to live for, so much more to do. I wanted to see my cousins grow up. I wanted to steer them around the potholes I fell in, to prevent the pain that was unavoidable for me, and if I couldn't, to pick them up when they fell down. I wanted to truly love, to be selfless and giving, understanding and considerate, and have Her show me the same regard and concern in return. I wanted to introduce my mom to Her - the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to give her the daughter she never had, to love and care for her as if she were of her own blood. I wanted to teach my children all the beauty this world had to offer, to show them all that was possible, and relish in the lives they chose to lead. I couldn't leave yet, and so I prayed to God...please don't let me go yet, not just yet...

And so I returned as the light slowly receded...given another chance to prove the conviction of my soul. I seldom think on it, but tonight is one of those nights - my feelings swell within me, my thoughts struggle to escape me, my sense of direction, of motivation, of purpose is at a fever-pitch as the mood of my soul waxes and wanes, the shape of my life takes form, and a new chapter in my life begins to unfold. fyh