As difficult as it is to truly say goodbye to something or someone (and just thinking about the people and the things I've had to say goodbye to recently stifles me), I think it's even more difficult to find the courage to move on and begin anew.
It's so easy to hold onto the past, to reminisce and hope that it can be as it once was. I've done it myself many a time. Eventually...*eventually*, I have to find the determination and the motivation to push forward, no matter how much I want to remain in the past. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, sometimes I go slumped and defeated, sometimes I cry as I struggle to let go, and other times I am able to hold my head high and move on without looking back.
I speak of "new beginnings" mostly because throughout my life, they haven't been - the majority of the time, I am reluctant to let go and even as I take one step forward, my head itches to turn around and look for what is only there as memories. It's hard, it truly is...
At this point in my life, although I'll never be over the occasional over-the-shoulder look into the past, I have realized that it is up to me, and only me, to move on, move forward, toward my future and away from my past. What has come before has shown me wisdom, given me knowledge, and served me humility. Who was in my past has shaped my personality, focused my views, and clarified my definitions - of what it means to be a friend, a lover, and a person worthy of those titles.
So as I say my goodbyes and start my new beginnings, I admit the fear that consumes me - of not knowing what's in store or how things will end, but having the friends, the family, and all that I've been allowed to learn beside me in this journey toward whatever it is that is out there for me. fyh
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Goodbyes
What is it about goodbyes? Perhaps it's the memories that play across my mind. Perhaps it's the thought that afterward, these memories will only be memories...that they will remain in my past, and no longer be part of my future. It saddens me to realize this truth. How do you begin to relegate something or someone to your past when you want so much for them to be in your present and your future?
Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.
Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.
Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".
Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh
Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.
Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.
Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".
Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh
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