Goodbyes

What is it about goodbyes? Perhaps it's the memories that play across my mind. Perhaps it's the thought that afterward, these memories will only be memories...that they will remain in my past, and no longer be part of my future. It saddens me to realize this truth. How do you begin to relegate something or someone to your past when you want so much for them to be in your present and your future?

Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.

Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.

Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".

Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh