New beginnings...

As difficult as it is to truly say goodbye to something or someone (and just thinking about the people and the things I've had to say goodbye to recently stifles me), I think it's even more difficult to find the courage to move on and begin anew.

It's so easy to hold onto the past, to reminisce and hope that it can be as it once was. I've done it myself many a time. Eventually...*eventually*, I have to find the determination and the motivation to push forward, no matter how much I want to remain in the past. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, sometimes I go slumped and defeated, sometimes I cry as I struggle to let go, and other times I am able to hold my head high and move on without looking back.

I speak of "new beginnings" mostly because throughout my life, they haven't been - the majority of the time, I am reluctant to let go and even as I take one step forward, my head itches to turn around and look for what is only there as memories. It's hard, it truly is...

At this point in my life, although I'll never be over the occasional over-the-shoulder look into the past, I have realized that it is up to me, and only me, to move on, move forward, toward my future and away from my past. What has come before has shown me wisdom, given me knowledge, and served me humility. Who was in my past has shaped my personality, focused my views, and clarified my definitions - of what it means to be a friend, a lover, and a person worthy of those titles.

So as I say my goodbyes and start my new beginnings, I admit the fear that consumes me - of not knowing what's in store or how things will end, but having the friends, the family, and all that I've been allowed to learn beside me in this journey toward whatever it is that is out there for me. fyh