Possibilities

I find it is the simplest of tasks for me to shape my thoughts and feelings into words, to form them into sentences, to assemble them into stories...it is not the How of it that eludes me, but the Why, or rather, my unrelenting and unflappable assumption that no one is capable of understanding my thoughts or feelings - how could they...how could they know when I, every single day of my life, strive to understand it, cope with it, make sense of it and yet cannot fathom the Why?

Why...It taunts and pokes at me, requiring a response I often refuse to give. I find the "courage" to ignore it, to hold it at bay, and yet I am more afraid of it now than I ever was before. Afraid that it will take from me all that I hold dear, and afraid that even if it doesn't, it has compelled me to push away those I had wished to hold close...so that in the end, regardless of the outcome, I have lost what I wished to find, whether of my own accord or otherwise...tears do not begin to do justice to the feelings I harbor because of it.

My mind yearns for the comfort of detachment. It attempts to soothe my heart and soul with the logic of loneliness, not only to spare me, but to spare others as well, and most importantly, to spare Her the trials and tribulations of loving me. Often, it succeeds in it's subconscious endeavor even as my soul cries out with understanding and my heart sheds its tears of comprehension. Alas, my baser instincts and deep-set desire overpower my mind and all its logic! ...but most importantly, my inability to relinquish the power of Hope, my single-minded vision of its strength suffuses me and I just...can't...give...up.

So in my hypocrisy, I wish on the stars, whisper to the night, and pray to the heavens that some magnanimous soul will brave the treacherous and contemptuous waters of my mind. To convince my mind's ferryman the sincerity and truth of its conviction, to find its way to the island I have chosen to reside on, so purposely far away it would seem I desire nothing but solitude, but in actuality...I don't.

I will not...I cannot...For all the world, for all of me, I refuse to believe in the logic that surrounds me. It *is* possible to find Her. It *is* possible for Her to find me. One day it shall come to pass - that there is more to my life than the routine, and no matter the circumstances of my present, or my future for that matter, She will be able to see past it and to me, to find me, on the island I secretly wished was not...I may not fully believe I deserve it, but I will believe in Her should she say I do. fyh

Serenity in Solitude

In the still silence of the night, I float in an empty dream free of turmoil and complications. A formless essence slowly coalesces into the shape of my body, and I feel the chill of stone as the balls of my feet lightly touch the surface of my world.

I hear the vibrations as I take step after step, moving forward, moving backward, moving side to side and all around. The quiet allows me to hear the natural quickness of my heartbeat and the sound of my own breath. I move slowly, deliberately, confident in the certainty of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my purpose.

A placidness and calm I've seldom found in the presence of others, but re-discover every time I spend time alone, undisturbed by the world around me, not because I have chosen to run from it, but because I have chosen to stand my ground in front of it. It allows me to be the person that is truly me - stripped of all my titles, all my traits and attributes, all my personality and responsibilities.

Where the silence surrounding me fills me with more meaning and purpose than spoken words ever could. Where eyes gently closed see a million times clearer than ones wide open ever could. Where a finger traced slowly down my chest recalls more memories than pictures ever could. Where a single tear escaping out of the corner of my eye holds more emotion than a thousand laughs and smiles ever could.

It is a state of being, my state of being, that exists deep within. A place I return to at times, to tend and renew, to return to again. A place where silence does not create a void, but where peace fills it. Not where I feel fear in loneliness, but where I feel serenity in solitude.

Chances

I used to think that opportunities and chances were one and the same, and I never felt like there was a difference between one or the other, but over the past several months, I've come to redefine them in my own terms. Opportunities were things I was presented with not because of some lucky coincidence, but because I had worked toward earning it, while chances always have the connotation of being some random lucky draw you just so happened to win.

...something that when you try and wrap a definition around it, seems to be a circumstance that you're unsure about - never knowing it was there, not knowing if anything will come of it, unable to determine whether it is for good or ill, but available to you nonetheless.

These past few months I've seized on many of the chances I've been given, and although they haven't all turned out as I had hoped, I'm glad I took them. I've noticed the older I get, the less they seem to occur, and thus I make the best effort I can...but it brings me to a question.

I see and know how difficult it is to give someone a chance and why it is so, but it still doesn't stop me from asking myself "Why not?"

Why not allow me to prove that I can do a job better than anybody else you will find? Why not trust your instincts instead of what's written on a piece of paper or what's not?

Why not give me a chance to get to know you and vice-versa? Why not trust your heart instead of what's written on your brain or what's not?

...And so I've learned that chances are not something you earn, but something you are given, not because you deserve one and not because it's your due, but because of a feeling, an inkling, that perhaps something good or something great may come of it, and you, and someone is willing to take that risk to see it come to fruition.

I'm not currently in a position to give chances to anybody concerning a job or career, but I try and make a valiant effort to do the best I can in the other aspect - to let go of my reservations, take someone as they are, and take the time to find out who that is...because at the end of the day, when you ask yourself "How do you know who, what, or how someone is?", the answer is...you don't...so I give most everyone a chance to get to know me, and I only hope for the same in return. I often find myself pleasantly surprised, sometimes forever grateful, or at worst, slightly disappointed.

At the end of the day, it's up to each one of us to determine whether we are willing to open ourselves to that risk of disappointment in order to see what rewards we may receive, or if we'd rather be safe and secure in our current state of being. I only hope that I am lucky enough in my near future to receive more undeserved and unqualified, but definitely not unappreciated, chances to prove myself - in life, and in love.

Haunted

It's been so long since I've spared more than a few moments to think of you...You often cross my mind like spots floating in my field of vision, unsure if they are really there, unable to focus on them, yet somehow unable to see anything else.

I force myself to think of you now. To remember you. To experience the moments we shared with one another as if they occurred not years ago, but moments ago...not to recall the feelings of happiness or joy, but the feelings of sadness and disappointment. Not to recall your smile or laugh, but the look of indifference in your eyes and the sound of tolerance in your voice.

I wanted to take from us all the wonderful things you taught me, but you also left me with something I've never taken the time to identify or qualify, and over the past week I've had a constant reminder just how powerful it really is. You were the first person, and thus far the only person, I've ever just been me with...The crazy-stupid, wacky, funny, illogical person I want to be when no one is looking, except I wanted you to see...To know that behind the responsibility and the seriousness, beyond being proper and trying to be a role model, I wanted to be my own person, and could be my own person, with you.

For the life of me...you didn't think it was stupid or dumb. You made me feel safe in being myself. You accepted me for me, and it made me feel that much better about always being that way with you. And yet, in the end, it wasn't safe. In the end, for a reason still unknown to this day, it wasn't okay. Now that I think on it, taking the time to truly examine it, as open as I try to be with everyone I meet, as honest as I try to be, I can only remain so if I feel safe in the knowledge that what is truly me is still hidden and shrouded in obscurity...and although there are times when I lapse into actually revealing a bit of myself I so desperately try to withhold, I take comfort that it is only one piece in an otherwise unclear puzzle.

Over the years, I've come to feel that I'm a fairly open and honest person, choosing to share a lot of my thoughts and feelings with almost anyone, and more with those I have come to grow close to. But I've come to find out...that that really isn't the case at all. It's a paradox - I begin my relationships open and honest, unabashed about how I feel or what I think, and yet the closer I feel to someone, the more they learn about me and I of them, the more cautious and standoffish I become, often pushing people away before they can learn of my fears and desires, my prayers and my hopes.

I never knew it...but I'm haunted by the pain and sadness of truly opening myself up to someone, and I'm afraid to do it again. It's not my *greatest* fear, but it is ever-present in my subconscious. Perhaps one day, much like Casper, there will be a way to set me free of the ghost of you. fyh

The Road

I'm very much a people person. I spend every day introducing myself to new people, interacting and communicating with them on a professional level while I work and a personal level at play. I enjoy learning about people and above all, I enjoy the daily reminder that although we lead different lives, have different goals and dreams, we are all connected through our relationships with those that share our lives.

The better I get to know someone, the more I value their opinion and advice. The more their life impacts mine, the more I want to share my life with them as well. I have very few "friends", but those that I do have share a large portion of my heart and stay in my thoughts often. I rely on them and hope they know they can rely on me as well.

...But with girls, I've always noticed that at one time or another, there is or there will come a time when one of us, perhaps both of us, will come to the realization that if we are such great friends, why couldn't it be possible to have something beyond friendship? Why wouldn't it be better? If you care about one another, like one another through all the flaws and imperfections, strengths and qualities that you have come to discover, couldn't it be...more? Sometimes you start down the road of friendship and are happy to remain. Sometimes you want that road to diverge to something beyond, and sometimes you find yourself wanting to start at the fork and never look back...but I've come to realize that there aren't two roads...

The Road. We all start at the beginning, together, but throughout each journey, we often find one person walking a little faster, wishing the other would hurry to catch up, often wanting to drag them along even if they are content with the distance they've come so far. Sometimes I see the end in sight and the other person doesn't even know there is an end, and sometimes the opposite. Sometimes the only way to remain together is to be content in where we are, even if it's not the end, and sometimes that is not enough - the pain too great, the risk unworthy of the reward, so we lose our way.

...Sometimes you meet someone who you can picture with you at the end, unsure if it is a vision of the future or just a mirage barely visible from the corner of your eye, but whether a dream or reality, you find that however fast you might have to run, however slow you might need to walk, perhaps even stopping to enjoy the landscape of the moment, you are content with that...not because you can see the end in sight, but regardless of the ending, you don't want to take a step ahead or behind that person, only beside them. fyh

Courage

Mark Twain said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." I've always felt I had some. Maybe not in surplus, or a large abundance, but an adequate amount - enough to get me by. It's hard to be brave all the time. It's hard to show courage in the face of anything and everything. Sometimes...fear just gets the best of us.

Fear doesn't have to be debilitating or insurmountable, but often times it is just below the surface waiting for a chance to creep up on you. For me at least, there is always a small reminder of it in the back of my mind. Most of the time, it doesn't take any sort of conscious effort, bravery or courage to invisibly carry it around inside. My everyday life, family, and friends help me cope with it and move forward. But sometimes, it *does* creep up on me, and *sometimes*, it does cause me pain and sadness, but I think that's just the way of it - I think if there was a way to permanently remove fear from our lives...we'd be different. I think fear is an inherent human emotion that is part of what makes us...us - and without it, we'd be incomplete.

I say that, and yet I'm scared, and I don't wish to be. I wish it'd just go away, but I try to find the courage to hold it at bay and hold myself together - it isn't always easy, and at times, I can't. I used to think that "Courage" was putting on a brave face and showing others that everything is fine, to not worry and smile and laugh, all the while shaking and trembling deep inside...but courage is definitely not that. I need to gather myself, not only to be okay in the face of others, but to be okay within myself, to come to terms with my fears and my worries and realize that as afraid and uneasy as I may be, I need to be able to make peace with them...that's the Courage I am looking for, and that's the Courage I'm hoping to find.

Enlightening

Life is often what you make of it. You can wake up, get out of bed, go to work, do your job, come home, and get ready to do it all again, or you can take that minuscule extra amount of time it takes to do more, think, reflect, and learn something new each and every day, or if you're really lucky...maybe, just maybe, you can be blessed with a moment of enlightenment - when you realize that your outlook on things is now forever different than it was just a moment before.

This week has been especially stressful for me, but in (mostly) a good way. On Monday, I was given the opportunity to register DSL service and set up a wireless network for a small family. What makes their situation especially different is that they chose to get broadband Internet because the gentleman's wife was diagnosed with leukemia just two weeks ago, and in order for her to stay in touch with their 4 yr old daughter and 7 yr old son, they wanted to set up a web camera at the hospital and their home so she could see her kids and vice-versa.

As (bad) luck would have it, their dsl modem/router did not work initially (Mon - which is how I came to hear the story of what was transpiring). I exchanged it and tried again (Tues) to no avail. I called AT&T, which ran line tests, then scheduled and met with a technician to correct any issues (Wed). Their test modem worked just fine, but it was awkward that two brand new modems didn't work. I brought my own modem from home, which worked, and gave it to them (Thurs) and exchanged their modem for a router and set up their network (today, Fri). I helped them install their webcam and Skype, registering accounts so they could test it at home before bringing one of the laptops to the hospital. I can't describe what it meant to see their disappointment over several days when nothing seemed to work or go right, to seeing their relief, their excitement, their happiness and smiles knowing that they would be able to accomplish what they set out to do.

I was simply amazed...

...To watch the husband trying so hard to do everything, never stopping or slowing down - going to work, picking his kids up from pre-school and elementary school, getting them changed, making sure they did their homework, making sure they had dinner to eat, dealing with me and leaving for the hospital each evening (his parents came over and stayed with the kids overnight) to be with his wife, all while never once showing his kids the difficulty and sadness he must be experiencing. I can only hope I have the strength and determination to be that sort of husband whenever I do get married.

...To find out that no matter how many appointments I had scheduled, I could always find time to drive by and check in, and at the very least, let them know that they were still on my mind and that we would get it taken care of...that spending a few minutes of my time returning and exchanging items for them meant saving them hours driving back and forth when they had so much more important matters to take care of.

...To realize, yet again, that no matter how bad things are, someone always has it worse. To learn again that I should appreciate what I have and take a little bit of time out to show it. To see the strength of the human spirit, that when things seem like they can't get any worse...to know we can still come together, everyone doing their own small part to help someone else in need.

I didn't have the heart to say "Merry Christmas" and while on the verge of tears when leaving, I cried the entire way to my next appointment. My heart goes out to that family and their troubled times to come this holiday season, and knowing I can't do anything more than I have done is difficult to swallow. Knowing that my "busy" life can be so much more than it is motivates me, and as often is the case, I will redouble my efforts to make it so. Most importantly, I will make efforts to let those I do appreciate and value in my life know so, even if I am horrible at it - bear with me.

...We're often given the opportunity to see things from different perspectives, and while I definitely know how it feels to be that person in the hospital, often filled with self-pity because no one could possibly understand, other times worried about how everyone is coping...now seeing it from the other side and how it must feel being the family, unable to do anything to help is...Enlightening.