As difficult as it is to truly say goodbye to something or someone (and just thinking about the people and the things I've had to say goodbye to recently stifles me), I think it's even more difficult to find the courage to move on and begin anew.
It's so easy to hold onto the past, to reminisce and hope that it can be as it once was. I've done it myself many a time. Eventually...*eventually*, I have to find the determination and the motivation to push forward, no matter how much I want to remain in the past. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, sometimes I go slumped and defeated, sometimes I cry as I struggle to let go, and other times I am able to hold my head high and move on without looking back.
I speak of "new beginnings" mostly because throughout my life, they haven't been - the majority of the time, I am reluctant to let go and even as I take one step forward, my head itches to turn around and look for what is only there as memories. It's hard, it truly is...
At this point in my life, although I'll never be over the occasional over-the-shoulder look into the past, I have realized that it is up to me, and only me, to move on, move forward, toward my future and away from my past. What has come before has shown me wisdom, given me knowledge, and served me humility. Who was in my past has shaped my personality, focused my views, and clarified my definitions - of what it means to be a friend, a lover, and a person worthy of those titles.
So as I say my goodbyes and start my new beginnings, I admit the fear that consumes me - of not knowing what's in store or how things will end, but having the friends, the family, and all that I've been allowed to learn beside me in this journey toward whatever it is that is out there for me. fyh
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Goodbyes
What is it about goodbyes? Perhaps it's the memories that play across my mind. Perhaps it's the thought that afterward, these memories will only be memories...that they will remain in my past, and no longer be part of my future. It saddens me to realize this truth. How do you begin to relegate something or someone to your past when you want so much for them to be in your present and your future?
Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.
Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.
Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".
Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh
Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.
Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.
Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".
Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh
Thursday, October 29, 2009
just writing...
*a repost of an old blog because, for some reason, i always find random people i don't know captivating*
i often wonder to myself how this world ever came to be. the simplicity, the complexity, the black and white mixed with every shade of gray...it boggles my mind how hopeful and beautiful it can be one moment, and how bleak and ugly it can be the next.
i guess that's the way of things. everything needs balance, everything needs another force to contradict it, to challenge it, to justify it. i mean...what is good without evil. what is honesty without deceit. what is love without hate.
i guess i'm thinking of these things because whenever i see the glass half empty, something always reminds me that "no...it's half full". i meet people every day, hear and see the way they project themselves, the way they wish to be seen, and a lot of times it makes me wonder why people try so hard to be who they aren't. but who am i to decide whether they are deceiving themselves and others, or if they are truly themselves or at least are some part of themselves? i look within myself, look at how varied and bi-polar i can be at times, and it makes me realize...i don't know...there in lies the opportunity - the opportunity to put aside the pre-judgment and take the time to find out. with experience, with time, with taken opportunities, i have found the beauty hidden underneath the ugliness in everyone, fear and hate, strength and love, the same thoughts and feelings i myself have thought and felt a hundred thousand times before.
i think that is why i love reading blogs. it gives me the opportunity to learn about someone, to put myself in their shoes and imagine how they felt and are feeling without the prejudice of assuming i know beforehand what that is. i think people blog about their daily lives...so they don't have to cage away their thoughts and so they can put it out there because perhaps...just maybe, someone else out there knows how they feel and has felt what they're feeling. not for any sort of confirmation, advice, or sympathy, but just a silent cry to the stars with the knowledge that somewhere out there exists a person who knows what i'm feeling and may be feeling it right now, at this exact moment with me.
my favorite tv show has always been "the wonder years" and more recently "how i met your mother" - they materialize a desire i've always had my entire life; to be able to put into words, into speech, how i felt in the most precious moments of my life - to be able to explain how i felt, how i thought someone else felt, and dictate my memories so that others who might inquire or care would know my true thoughts. it's as if i am having a conversation with this person whose touching, viewing, feeling my life, holding their hand, smiling at them, letting their head rest against mine, letting their hand rest upon my heart, and all the feeling and thoughts so subtly hiding underneath the surface of my being suffuses their heart and their mind so they may feel what i felt, think what i thought and know the truth of that moment, my moment, forever now our moment...
i pray i can take the opportunities presented to me to find friendship where there was only intrigue, and if i'm luckily than i imagine myself to be, perhaps find love where there was only friendship.
i often wonder to myself how this world ever came to be. the simplicity, the complexity, the black and white mixed with every shade of gray...it boggles my mind how hopeful and beautiful it can be one moment, and how bleak and ugly it can be the next.
i guess that's the way of things. everything needs balance, everything needs another force to contradict it, to challenge it, to justify it. i mean...what is good without evil. what is honesty without deceit. what is love without hate.
i guess i'm thinking of these things because whenever i see the glass half empty, something always reminds me that "no...it's half full". i meet people every day, hear and see the way they project themselves, the way they wish to be seen, and a lot of times it makes me wonder why people try so hard to be who they aren't. but who am i to decide whether they are deceiving themselves and others, or if they are truly themselves or at least are some part of themselves? i look within myself, look at how varied and bi-polar i can be at times, and it makes me realize...i don't know...there in lies the opportunity - the opportunity to put aside the pre-judgment and take the time to find out. with experience, with time, with taken opportunities, i have found the beauty hidden underneath the ugliness in everyone, fear and hate, strength and love, the same thoughts and feelings i myself have thought and felt a hundred thousand times before.
i think that is why i love reading blogs. it gives me the opportunity to learn about someone, to put myself in their shoes and imagine how they felt and are feeling without the prejudice of assuming i know beforehand what that is. i think people blog about their daily lives...so they don't have to cage away their thoughts and so they can put it out there because perhaps...just maybe, someone else out there knows how they feel and has felt what they're feeling. not for any sort of confirmation, advice, or sympathy, but just a silent cry to the stars with the knowledge that somewhere out there exists a person who knows what i'm feeling and may be feeling it right now, at this exact moment with me.
my favorite tv show has always been "the wonder years" and more recently "how i met your mother" - they materialize a desire i've always had my entire life; to be able to put into words, into speech, how i felt in the most precious moments of my life - to be able to explain how i felt, how i thought someone else felt, and dictate my memories so that others who might inquire or care would know my true thoughts. it's as if i am having a conversation with this person whose touching, viewing, feeling my life, holding their hand, smiling at them, letting their head rest against mine, letting their hand rest upon my heart, and all the feeling and thoughts so subtly hiding underneath the surface of my being suffuses their heart and their mind so they may feel what i felt, think what i thought and know the truth of that moment, my moment, forever now our moment...
i pray i can take the opportunities presented to me to find friendship where there was only intrigue, and if i'm luckily than i imagine myself to be, perhaps find love where there was only friendship.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Paths
This past weekend I made it out to my 10 year high school reunion...That's right, a whole 10 years have already gone by. It was great to see familiar faces, catch up on what everyone has been up to - with their careers, their family, their lives in general. Getting a chance to see everyone and converse with them made me realize a lot of things, about life and about me.
First and foremost, I've grown a whole lot in these past 10 years. The person I am is not the person I was, but I'm happy to say a large part of that "old me" still exists to this day, and looking back I'm lucky that I was able to hold on to that identity and expand upon it. The rest of it, the "new me", is not only lucky because I happened to develop heart failure months after graduation and obtained a heart transplant about a year afterward, but also lucky because it allowed me to experience a lot of the ups and downs that we only read about and see on tv. I was arrogant and expectant, the world sitting on a pedestal for the taking, and I poised to take it, only to be reduced in my adolescent eyes and humbled now in my adult ones.
It's been almost 9 years since then, and one of the most important things I've learned is that you can never really know a person until you take the opportunity to. What is on the surface is rarely what's inside, and it's short-sighted to assume so and closed-minded to pretend to know. I hope I have renewed some friendships and have and take the opportunity to keep them for a long time to come.
The most important thing I learned is that I realized we all walk different paths. The path I thought I was meant to walk diverted onto a different one, one I realized was the right path only after I was forced onto it. Going to college for 4 years, grad school for 2, finding a job, starting my career and getting married at 26, having 2-3 kids by 30 exactly in that order wasn't the path for me, and isn't the right path for everyone. Seeing everyone again, thinking of those of us that were not able to attend, and listening and learning about our lives, it's important to remember that whatever path we are on or have traveled, that we take and learn from our experiences. We take one step at a time, toward our own goals and dreams, and sometimes have to sidestep out of harm's way.
I hope in the *next* 10 years, we all choose the right path for ourselves, don't berate ourselves too much for sometimes choosing the wrong one, and choose to grow and learn from all of it, good or bad, right or wrong, because at the end of the day, if you are happy with where you are, you only got there because of the path you chose, including the few times you had to backtrack. I hope our paths will cross again in the future...Find Your Happiness.
First and foremost, I've grown a whole lot in these past 10 years. The person I am is not the person I was, but I'm happy to say a large part of that "old me" still exists to this day, and looking back I'm lucky that I was able to hold on to that identity and expand upon it. The rest of it, the "new me", is not only lucky because I happened to develop heart failure months after graduation and obtained a heart transplant about a year afterward, but also lucky because it allowed me to experience a lot of the ups and downs that we only read about and see on tv. I was arrogant and expectant, the world sitting on a pedestal for the taking, and I poised to take it, only to be reduced in my adolescent eyes and humbled now in my adult ones.
It's been almost 9 years since then, and one of the most important things I've learned is that you can never really know a person until you take the opportunity to. What is on the surface is rarely what's inside, and it's short-sighted to assume so and closed-minded to pretend to know. I hope I have renewed some friendships and have and take the opportunity to keep them for a long time to come.
The most important thing I learned is that I realized we all walk different paths. The path I thought I was meant to walk diverted onto a different one, one I realized was the right path only after I was forced onto it. Going to college for 4 years, grad school for 2, finding a job, starting my career and getting married at 26, having 2-3 kids by 30 exactly in that order wasn't the path for me, and isn't the right path for everyone. Seeing everyone again, thinking of those of us that were not able to attend, and listening and learning about our lives, it's important to remember that whatever path we are on or have traveled, that we take and learn from our experiences. We take one step at a time, toward our own goals and dreams, and sometimes have to sidestep out of harm's way.
I hope in the *next* 10 years, we all choose the right path for ourselves, don't berate ourselves too much for sometimes choosing the wrong one, and choose to grow and learn from all of it, good or bad, right or wrong, because at the end of the day, if you are happy with where you are, you only got there because of the path you chose, including the few times you had to backtrack. I hope our paths will cross again in the future...Find Your Happiness.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Opportunities
The other day I was at work installing a wireless network at a residence in Duncanville, directly across from their high school. As I was leaving, I heard the marching band in the background, playing scales, either warming up or getting ready to leave I'm not sure. It reminded me of my own time in marching band in high school, and everything that being in band allowed me to experience and see.
When I think back, I got a chance to go to Disney World when I was 14 because I was in band. I went to every football game, got a chance to meet new people, see new places, compete against my peers across my district, area, and sometimes state. Through out high school, I traveled to Washington, D.C, Houston, San Antonio, all around the Metroplex and beyond it because I was involved in extracurricular activities and academic competitions.
What really got me thinking back was the fact that when I was in high school, I was given the opportunity to do all these things - and I took them. It made me realize that when we are younger, going through grade school and even somewhat in college, opportunities are being thrown at us left and right, we just had to take them. I miss it - being given opportunities as if we all deserved them, and yet still refusing to take them, lol.
Flash forward to the present, and I find that opportunities are very far and few in-between. No one takes a second glance at you and just offers you a job, or a home, or free schooling, or more importantly, offers to be an acquaintance, a friend, or even a significant other - you have to make every effort to find these opportunities that exist, and I do believe they exist, but you have to find them and take them because they are never given.
So here's to taking opportunities as they come and making an effort to find them as well as preparing myself for when they do arise.
When I think back, I got a chance to go to Disney World when I was 14 because I was in band. I went to every football game, got a chance to meet new people, see new places, compete against my peers across my district, area, and sometimes state. Through out high school, I traveled to Washington, D.C, Houston, San Antonio, all around the Metroplex and beyond it because I was involved in extracurricular activities and academic competitions.
What really got me thinking back was the fact that when I was in high school, I was given the opportunity to do all these things - and I took them. It made me realize that when we are younger, going through grade school and even somewhat in college, opportunities are being thrown at us left and right, we just had to take them. I miss it - being given opportunities as if we all deserved them, and yet still refusing to take them, lol.
Flash forward to the present, and I find that opportunities are very far and few in-between. No one takes a second glance at you and just offers you a job, or a home, or free schooling, or more importantly, offers to be an acquaintance, a friend, or even a significant other - you have to make every effort to find these opportunities that exist, and I do believe they exist, but you have to find them and take them because they are never given.
So here's to taking opportunities as they come and making an effort to find them as well as preparing myself for when they do arise.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Balance
"Do, or do not, there is no try." -Yoda
Who would've known such wisdom would come from George Lucas? I mean, that's from the same guy who said:
I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft and smooth." -Anakin
I'm always torn between doing or not doing. Often times I do too much - I explain myself too much, I'm overbearing to the point of annoyance, I try to teach the same lesson over and over to no avail, I talk, talk, and talk some more.
A lot of times I don't do enough - I assume things are taken care of, I let good friends fall to the wayside, I give up on things and on people because I can't be bothered to actually TRY and do something!
The point is (and isn't there *always* a point with me?) I've never really tried to find a good balance between the two. To know when enough is enough, to cut my losses, to take the measure of my current winnings and cash out with something rather than nothing at all...but at the same time, to be willing to risk myself, mentally, emotionally, sometimes even physically, to attain something that is worth that risk. I think it's a hard lesson to learn, the ability to gauge and obtain that balance, but I am trying.
Each day I feel better about the direction I am heading, and more importantly, where I currently am. Not for a very long time have I felt that...the sense of stability and peace that I have right now. I hope that it stays with me for a long time. =]
Who would've known such wisdom would come from George Lucas? I mean, that's from the same guy who said:
I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft and smooth." -Anakin
I'm always torn between doing or not doing. Often times I do too much - I explain myself too much, I'm overbearing to the point of annoyance, I try to teach the same lesson over and over to no avail, I talk, talk, and talk some more.
A lot of times I don't do enough - I assume things are taken care of, I let good friends fall to the wayside, I give up on things and on people because I can't be bothered to actually TRY and do something!
The point is (and isn't there *always* a point with me?) I've never really tried to find a good balance between the two. To know when enough is enough, to cut my losses, to take the measure of my current winnings and cash out with something rather than nothing at all...but at the same time, to be willing to risk myself, mentally, emotionally, sometimes even physically, to attain something that is worth that risk. I think it's a hard lesson to learn, the ability to gauge and obtain that balance, but I am trying.
Each day I feel better about the direction I am heading, and more importantly, where I currently am. Not for a very long time have I felt that...the sense of stability and peace that I have right now. I hope that it stays with me for a long time. =]
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Intangible
I went to watch (500) Days of Summer over the weekend and to put it simply, it's awesome. I think every single person in the entire world would benefit from seeing it - if just for a few laughs, that'd be enough, but if you want to take more from it, there is definitely more to take...and knowing me, I take a lot from everything (which...now that I really think about it can be a horrible thing, lol), hence this blog, yeah? I want to warn everyone who hasn't seen it, and the movie warns you as well, that this is *NOT* a love story - I may spoil bits and pieces of it as well, so...**WARNING** now!
Have you ever met someone who you find absolutely captivating? You love everything about them, and to top it all off, your family and friends feel exactly the same way!There is nothing that you could say or point out that would explain why you don't want to spend every single day of the rest of your life with this person, and yet...there it is.
I've met one or two that, when asked, I was unable to come up with a reason not to be with/date them. The only thing I *was* able to say was that there was just...something...missing. That INTANGIBLE quality that you can't define or describe, but is just absent.
What is it about our psyche and our emotions that requires this *thing* we can't even put words to, and worse yet, can't say when or if it will ever materialize until it does? I found that when I was listening to Summer tell Tom
"I woke up one day and I knew. I knew what I was always uncertain of with you.” -Summer Finn
it made me angry. It made me sad. It made me laugh that I could be angry and sad about how brutally honest she was, but isn't that just it? It's honest. True. I have tried unsuccessfully many times to understand that. How could it happen that way? What changed, what took place, to be able to change someone's mindset and feelings so immediately? *It* happened, that something intangible that rubber stamps the word "Forever" onto their heart concerning that certain someone.
"You were right about all of it. It just wasn't me you were right about." -Summer Finn
You can't burrow your way into someone's heart. You can't make a home for yourself and refuse to leave because *you* feel you belong there. You take what is given, relish what is shared, and hope beyond all hope, that some momentous day, that heart will know you belong there just as if you've always been there.
Things happen for a reason, when they are supposed to happen. I believe that, mostly, so I'll take it as it comes and do what I must, and leave the rest of it up to Fate.
Have you ever met someone who you find absolutely captivating? You love everything about them, and to top it all off, your family and friends feel exactly the same way!There is nothing that you could say or point out that would explain why you don't want to spend every single day of the rest of your life with this person, and yet...there it is.
I've met one or two that, when asked, I was unable to come up with a reason not to be with/date them. The only thing I *was* able to say was that there was just...something...missing. That INTANGIBLE quality that you can't define or describe, but is just absent.
What is it about our psyche and our emotions that requires this *thing* we can't even put words to, and worse yet, can't say when or if it will ever materialize until it does? I found that when I was listening to Summer tell Tom
"I woke up one day and I knew. I knew what I was always uncertain of with you.” -Summer Finn
it made me angry. It made me sad. It made me laugh that I could be angry and sad about how brutally honest she was, but isn't that just it? It's honest. True. I have tried unsuccessfully many times to understand that. How could it happen that way? What changed, what took place, to be able to change someone's mindset and feelings so immediately? *It* happened, that something intangible that rubber stamps the word "Forever" onto their heart concerning that certain someone.
"You were right about all of it. It just wasn't me you were right about." -Summer Finn
You can't burrow your way into someone's heart. You can't make a home for yourself and refuse to leave because *you* feel you belong there. You take what is given, relish what is shared, and hope beyond all hope, that some momentous day, that heart will know you belong there just as if you've always been there.
Things happen for a reason, when they are supposed to happen. I believe that, mostly, so I'll take it as it comes and do what I must, and leave the rest of it up to Fate.
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