A Very Special Occasion

When I was younger I used to make a big deal about special occasions. Usually over the top, "let me show you how much I care" sort of spectacles (which now that I think about it would've been perfect for this social media age).

As I grow older, redefine what is important to me, and come to truly understand how actions speak infinitely louder than mere words, I'm less and less inclined to use a special occasion to say things I feel every day...but I know how you appreciate these things on your birthday =]

Every day you do the job of two people with barely a complaint. Every day you are an amazing mother to our son. Every day you give me the peace and strength I often find so difficult to muster for myself.

Every day these past few years and these past 8 months proves to me that it is indeed possible to find a love that is selfless and unwavering, and more and more how impossibly lucky I am to be a recipient of it.

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays. I know this year we couldn't make all your wishes come true, but here's to rectifying that in 2021.

Parenthood

Sunday marked the close of the latest chapter of my life and the opening of an entirely new one. Yet over the course of roughly the past two years, Life has deigned to test my resolve, my commitment, and my tenacity. As I've progressively struggled to complete even the most menial of tasks, as usual, as always, my wife has been by my side. She continues to prove to me that it is indeed possible to love selflessly without fear and reservation. Yet for all the issues I've had with my health, both in the past and in the present, absolutely nothing compares to parenthood.

I distinctly remember watching The Two Towers with my dad and him specifically pointing out the scene between Theoden and Gandalf. That no parent should have to bury their child. Truer words have never been spoken. Regardless of the medical terminology, seeing his face, his tiny hands and feet, I couldn't help but feel like a father that had lost his son. Not a single day goes by that he doesn't cross my mind.

The fear. The anxiety. The hope that can suddenly turn into despair. It's been a better part of a year now that we've been afraid to share good news in the case it might turn into bad news. Allowed important relationships to deteriorate and sacrificed travel and connecting in the pursuit of parenthood once again. We always remind ourselves that those that matter don't mind, but it is difficult when time doesn't stand still and life goes on. I imagine once again having friends and family visiting to reconnect the threads that bind us and it gives me peace of mind. A hope that will remain hope.

These thoughts that have swirled and crashed inside my mind are finally seeing the light of day. To put them into words, to define them, describe them, and leave them here felt like a necessary step before I take my next one. To remember my first son as I welcome my second.

And so I welcome Theodore Koob Hmoov Vang. Happy birthday Theodore! You have your entire life ahead of you and I will try my very best to provide you with love and support to accomplish everything you wish. Your mom and I are so very excited and overcome with joy at your arrival. You are truly a blessing and there aren't enough words to describe what you mean to us. Oh the places you'll go!

Happy Mother's Day

One of the reasons I fell in love with you is because I always knew you'd be an amazing mother. You've always had a way with children, and you've always shown a genuine concern and love for our nieces and nephews. Over the past 6 months, it's been amazing and enlightening to see the excitement and joy that so readily radiates from you each time we talked about and planned for the birth of our son. I've never felt such a strong sense of purpose and hope for the future. I've never loved you more or felt closer to you. And now, after everything, especially after everything, I've never been more sure of how right I was.

Take solace. The day will come when our children will tell you how great a mother you are...but for now, have faith that I know you already are.

Happy Birthday To Me

You often ask me why it is that I’ve never written you poems, or written about you in blogs, or done this or that and how and why I used to for others (to which I have to ask, What others? ^_^), and it’s always been difficult to put to words. But the truth of the matter is that’s why I’ve never put it to words…always before I’ve used words as a medium to describe my feelings, thoughts, and experiences. To clarify the cloud in my mind and fit the varying puzzle pieces together. To make sense of things. To find the calm I always felt flying would give me; the chaos and pettiness of being grounded to fall away.

And I have. There aren’t words to describe how much strength and support I receive each and every day knowing that you love me. There aren’t words to describe the gratitude and appreciation I have for everything you do for me and my family. And there aren’t words to describe the clarity and calm I have with you by my side.

It had been 18 years since I'd been to Colorado Springs. Stood on the stone tiles of the terrazo. Seen the sun reflected off the chapel spires. Heard the footfalls of thousands of cadets marching in step. You gave me the courage to face and the knowledge to realize that a life I felt and dreamt would be the only one I had was false. THIS life - The person I have become, the memories I cherish, the moments I've experienced would never have been. -WE- would never have been. So regardless of the hardships we face, the daily struggles we deal with, and the setbacks we suffer, I would never trade them away if it cost me you.

But back to the topic at hand...my birthday. You often ask what I’d like to do or what I'd like to buy and get annoyed that I don’t want anything. I would say that it’s not because I don’t want anything; I would say because I’m fine. I’m content. I’m happy. Just being. Wherever that happens to be or whatever we happen to be doing. With you.

Thank you, once again, for the gift you give me every year. Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday

**taken from a Facebook Note, 12/16/2015**

Tonight I'm reminded of how tiny and insignificant I am in the face of an ocean that seemingly has no ending and an island that began millions of years ago. And although that may be true, our worth, our purpose, and our short time in this world can make lasting impressions on one other just as vast and profound as Mother Nature's can.

As this year draws to a close, I'm reminded of all the memories we've made, joyful and sad - as Inside Out would call them...core memories. Memories of a reception I, we, had no right to be nervous for. Memories of my stay, our stay, within the confines of a hospital room, and memories of my struggle, our struggle, to return to normalcy. You've occupied such a short amount of time in my life, but when I think of how much I've learned, how much I've grown, and how much I've experienced with you by my side, it's difficult to picture what life was like before you and yet so easy to imagine what it will continue to be with you.

I'm reminded of my nervousness standing at the altar waiting for you to enter. It was humbling to realize that after all this time, the same nervousness and excitement I felt sitting in our ice cream parlor booth still existed within my being. Waking up next to you for the past 3 years didn't prepare me for what it would feel like to see you walking down the aisle, as beautiful as I've ever seen you, with the hope and joy of knowing there were no take backs, no returns, no exchanges. =]

I'm reminded of the nights spent on the phone with the glow of the heart monitor filling the room. More than that, I'm reminded of the nights you spent sleeping on a cot next to my bed. How difficult and different it must have been, but never once did I see you waver or grow weary. Months you spent traveling back and forth, caring for me, running errands for me, providing for me my only link to the outside. I've always known, always told you, that I didn't believe anybody could or would love me as much as you do. It's a sensation I've felt almost since the moment I met you and has given me more comfort and security than you know...seeing you make the trek every day to and from the hospital only reinforced that and my heart swells with emotion again at the thought.

I'm reminded of when I finally decided to wake up. Days I will never recall, but days of fear, worry, and uncertainty inflicted upon you and the rest of my family. My first thought, first fear was of you leaving. It's a deep seated feeling I've always had; the thought that came to the forefront of my mind was that no one else in my life had stayed. Everyone who had reached this point, this threshold, this road block...everyone who had had to make a decision to continue forward or turn away, had always chosen the latter. I didn't want to let go of your hand, didn't want you out of my sight, but you assured me you weren't going anywhere...and through it all, from the days I could barely make it out of bed to the days I got so upset for not being able to do anything on my own, you stood by me without a single word of regret or contempt, always encouraging me and helping me move forward, always proud of me for my small successes and happy for me at my larger ones.

And so here we are, in Hawaii, the first place you asked me to take you, a promise you didn't sincerely think would happen, to celebrate your 30th year of life. I hate to say that you deserve it, but for this past year, these past 4 and a half years, this is the least of what you deserve. Thank you for everything you've done for me, for us, and for our families. To many, many more years, of laughter, of tears, of new experiences and renewed ones, and of life. Happy birthday my love.

The Line

My life has been filled with valleys and peaks, ups and downs, gradual descents and careful climbs, but the memories that reside on the surface of my mind are of the plateaus with the inexplicable cliffs and the unscalable mountains with nary a handhold. It's in these memories that one wrong step would send me over the edge or a misplaced hand would have me grasping air. It's in these moments I've always struggled to see the hands reaching out to pull me up or hear the voices calling out for me to watch my step.

I've never been an oblivious person, and yet have always disregarded the strength that has grasped my hands and the warnings that have undoubtedly found their way to my ears. I've lost friends and pushed away family in my struggle to find peace within myself first, unwilling and afraid to share the chaos that ultimately resides inside of me...the battle that rages between sadness and joy, apathy and purpose, resignation and hope...The Line that has guided the direction I have traveled for the better part of 13 years.

I've always had a tenuous balance walking this line, ever terrified of slipping into the darkness below with no way to climb back into the light...and with this fear, I've always refused to allow another to walk beside me - not because I'd be unable to support or guide them, and not because I'm afraid they'd disrupt my own focus, but because if I did fall, what would happen if I reached out and was met with emptiness? Worst of all, if I was to fall, what would happen if they fell with me? I never wanted to place that burden on someone, just as I never wanted to accept that responsibility, but these questions were always at the forefront of my mind...

But you never gave credence to my concerns let alone to my questions.  You never let me turn you away, never took my reservation as a slight, and instead you convinced me to take your hand and bring you with me...and instead of unsteadiness, I found stability. Instead of a hindrance, I found relief...but most of all, I found love - not the modern word filled with responsibility and expectation, but the pure ideal unburdened and free of the strings so often attached to it.  A feeling I never believed could be constant and unwavering, but continues to be so...

You answer my questions every single day with the concern in your eyes, the worry in your voice, and the care in your touch, and the line that has not disappeared or become less treacherous has instead become easier to walk, with you. You've brought feeling back to my cold hands, hearing back to my deaf ears, and I'm now able to grasp the strength offered me and heed the warnings given me, without reservation, without shame, without fear. For that, you have my gratitude, but for everything else, you will always have my love.

Apologies

I've never been one for apologies, but please let me explain myself...when I say "apologies", I mean apologies that are coaxed, forced, or otherwise disingenuous. For all intents and purposes, I am not even angry when I hear them, but skip past anger and go straight to disappointment and wonder.

I wonder to myself how anyone could believe that an apology would be accepted AFTER everyone found out the details of an event. Oh, so you are sorry that you got drunk, got pulled over, and were 3x over the legal limit? Would you have been sorry if you didn't get caught? Would you have been sorry if you luckily got home safely and no one had been the wiser? I doubt it.

I understand that sometimes when we say something or do something it can be construed in a way we didn't intend, or affect people we didn't realize it'd affect, and sometimes I'm sorry for the misunderstanding or unintended consequences, but it's been a long time since I've consciously though through the words I'd say or actions I'd perform and been sorry for it afterward.

I'm a big believer in accountability. I'm a big believer in learning, each and every day, and when you combine the two, I'm a big believer in knowing right from wrong, especially as you get older and presumably wiser. So why is it that the older we get, the more apologies we issue and hear, as if we aren't in control of our own words or actions, and that someone else could possibly have been responsible for them instead of ourselves?

Bottom line is: If you aren't sorry the moment you do it or say it, or even better, you choose not to do it because you know you'd be sorry afterward, then you aren't sorry at all.

Choice

I'll be the first to admit that some times I judge someone based on their outward appearance: how they look, act, speak, and carry themselves. Any honest person would probably agree with me when I say I think we all do. However, I'll also freely admit that even when I take chances and opportunities, take time and make effort to get to know someone, sometimes...hopefully not many times, I end up deciding how I feel about someone, for good or ill, long before I actually know someone.

Knowing someone is such a relative and subjective qualification. Who is to say how much time you must spend or how long you need to have known someone before you can really "know" them? Is there a written rule? Is it somehow ingrained into everyone's psyche except mine? I don't believe so. It's a Choice. I decide...and because I choose, I think of all the times when I wished for one more day, one more conversation, one more moment in the hopes that I could impart some knowledge of myself to someone else, as if it'd make a difference. It is why I often find myself choosing to spend one more moment, one more conversation, one more day to learn that little bit more about someone because it does make a difference...

I make the choice to open my mind to things I never once was able to fathom - to new ideas, different circumstances, infinite possibilities and objectivity I didn't know before. The choice to accept someone for who they are, aware of where they've been and what they've been through, aware that every step they've tread has led them to the person I see before me. The choice to be sincere and genuine, not only in words, but in actions and in heart...and especially the choice to cherish and love freely and truly, without reservation and bias.

I've noticed in my lifetime that THAT choice, to love without reservation and bias is something that is extremely difficult. It is something my mom would claim isn't possible except with someone who is of your own flesh and blood. We all think we can do it, we all think we actually do it, and yet when the choice is upon us, we must confront the fact that maybe we haven't done it at all...that there's always an expectation we have of the other, a return for the love we've provided, a reservation we keep in case of emergencies, a neglect we would never have toward ourselves or our children, and a selfishness that we wouldn't want to admit existed in the way we love.

It is a difficult thing, to believe it of others and especially of myself, but I've found it within myself, acknowledged it, confronted it, and I know as much as it is possible to know, what my Choice is.

The Light

Everyone speaks of the light at the end of the tunnel. The light that shines from Heaven to guide your soul to where it belongs, to where it shall return...but there is no tunnel. There aren't trumpets blaring, angels singing...there was only light...The light acting as a backdrop for all the memories of my past.

It's strange when you consider how difficult it usually is to remember your childhood, but they were the most vivid memories of all. Memories of my first day of school, walking hand in hand with my grandmother. Of sitting in a concrete pipe with Anza, waiting for my brother to get out of class so we could walk home together. Of swinging He-Man swords and watching fireworks at Disneyland. Of Simon Says, Mother May I, Red Rover, Mario Bros, Four Square and Hand Ball. Of 25 cent "giant" cookies and Popcorn Fridays. Of attending my first class at Bray Elementary. Of making new friends, the best of friends, and of being DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince...of my first kiss, and my first love.

The more recent the memories, the more quickly they passed by, the harder they were to distinguish. Memories of my adolescence and memories that were fresh in my mind became convoluted, all flashing before my eyes in a blur, quickly entering and leaving my field of vision as others lingered at the corners of my sight. So many memories...so much joy and happiness, sadness and heartbreak, so much...Life. You never truly see how much of it you experience, how much it truly means to you as you do when it is about to be taken away...

I thought to myself...this can’t be the end. The thought that it wasn't fair never crossed my mind because I didn't think it was possible...I couldn't fathom it...for this to be the end. I had so much more to live for, so much more to do. I wanted to see my cousins grow up. I wanted to steer them around the potholes I fell in, to prevent the pain that was unavoidable for me, and if I couldn't, to pick them up when they fell down. I wanted to truly love, to be selfless and giving, understanding and considerate, and have Her show me the same regard and concern in return. I wanted to introduce my mom to Her - the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to give her the daughter she never had, to love and care for her as if she were of her own blood. I wanted to teach my children all the beauty this world had to offer, to show them all that was possible, and relish in the lives they chose to lead. I couldn't leave yet, and so I prayed to God...please don't let me go yet, not just yet...

And so I returned as the light slowly receded...given another chance to prove the conviction of my soul. I seldom think on it, but tonight is one of those nights - my feelings swell within me, my thoughts struggle to escape me, my sense of direction, of motivation, of purpose is at a fever-pitch as the mood of my soul waxes and wanes, the shape of my life takes form, and a new chapter in my life begins to unfold. fyh

Possibilities

I find it is the simplest of tasks for me to shape my thoughts and feelings into words, to form them into sentences, to assemble them into stories...it is not the How of it that eludes me, but the Why, or rather, my unrelenting and unflappable assumption that no one is capable of understanding my thoughts or feelings - how could they...how could they know when I, every single day of my life, strive to understand it, cope with it, make sense of it and yet cannot fathom the Why?

Why...It taunts and pokes at me, requiring a response I often refuse to give. I find the "courage" to ignore it, to hold it at bay, and yet I am more afraid of it now than I ever was before. Afraid that it will take from me all that I hold dear, and afraid that even if it doesn't, it has compelled me to push away those I had wished to hold close...so that in the end, regardless of the outcome, I have lost what I wished to find, whether of my own accord or otherwise...tears do not begin to do justice to the feelings I harbor because of it.

My mind yearns for the comfort of detachment. It attempts to soothe my heart and soul with the logic of loneliness, not only to spare me, but to spare others as well, and most importantly, to spare Her the trials and tribulations of loving me. Often, it succeeds in it's subconscious endeavor even as my soul cries out with understanding and my heart sheds its tears of comprehension. Alas, my baser instincts and deep-set desire overpower my mind and all its logic! ...but most importantly, my inability to relinquish the power of Hope, my single-minded vision of its strength suffuses me and I just...can't...give...up.

So in my hypocrisy, I wish on the stars, whisper to the night, and pray to the heavens that some magnanimous soul will brave the treacherous and contemptuous waters of my mind. To convince my mind's ferryman the sincerity and truth of its conviction, to find its way to the island I have chosen to reside on, so purposely far away it would seem I desire nothing but solitude, but in actuality...I don't.

I will not...I cannot...For all the world, for all of me, I refuse to believe in the logic that surrounds me. It *is* possible to find Her. It *is* possible for Her to find me. One day it shall come to pass - that there is more to my life than the routine, and no matter the circumstances of my present, or my future for that matter, She will be able to see past it and to me, to find me, on the island I secretly wished was not...I may not fully believe I deserve it, but I will believe in Her should she say I do. fyh

Serenity in Solitude

In the still silence of the night, I float in an empty dream free of turmoil and complications. A formless essence slowly coalesces into the shape of my body, and I feel the chill of stone as the balls of my feet lightly touch the surface of my world.

I hear the vibrations as I take step after step, moving forward, moving backward, moving side to side and all around. The quiet allows me to hear the natural quickness of my heartbeat and the sound of my own breath. I move slowly, deliberately, confident in the certainty of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my purpose.

A placidness and calm I've seldom found in the presence of others, but re-discover every time I spend time alone, undisturbed by the world around me, not because I have chosen to run from it, but because I have chosen to stand my ground in front of it. It allows me to be the person that is truly me - stripped of all my titles, all my traits and attributes, all my personality and responsibilities.

Where the silence surrounding me fills me with more meaning and purpose than spoken words ever could. Where eyes gently closed see a million times clearer than ones wide open ever could. Where a finger traced slowly down my chest recalls more memories than pictures ever could. Where a single tear escaping out of the corner of my eye holds more emotion than a thousand laughs and smiles ever could.

It is a state of being, my state of being, that exists deep within. A place I return to at times, to tend and renew, to return to again. A place where silence does not create a void, but where peace fills it. Not where I feel fear in loneliness, but where I feel serenity in solitude.

Chances

I used to think that opportunities and chances were one and the same, and I never felt like there was a difference between one or the other, but over the past several months, I've come to redefine them in my own terms. Opportunities were things I was presented with not because of some lucky coincidence, but because I had worked toward earning it, while chances always have the connotation of being some random lucky draw you just so happened to win.

...something that when you try and wrap a definition around it, seems to be a circumstance that you're unsure about - never knowing it was there, not knowing if anything will come of it, unable to determine whether it is for good or ill, but available to you nonetheless.

These past few months I've seized on many of the chances I've been given, and although they haven't all turned out as I had hoped, I'm glad I took them. I've noticed the older I get, the less they seem to occur, and thus I make the best effort I can...but it brings me to a question.

I see and know how difficult it is to give someone a chance and why it is so, but it still doesn't stop me from asking myself "Why not?"

Why not allow me to prove that I can do a job better than anybody else you will find? Why not trust your instincts instead of what's written on a piece of paper or what's not?

Why not give me a chance to get to know you and vice-versa? Why not trust your heart instead of what's written on your brain or what's not?

...And so I've learned that chances are not something you earn, but something you are given, not because you deserve one and not because it's your due, but because of a feeling, an inkling, that perhaps something good or something great may come of it, and you, and someone is willing to take that risk to see it come to fruition.

I'm not currently in a position to give chances to anybody concerning a job or career, but I try and make a valiant effort to do the best I can in the other aspect - to let go of my reservations, take someone as they are, and take the time to find out who that is...because at the end of the day, when you ask yourself "How do you know who, what, or how someone is?", the answer is...you don't...so I give most everyone a chance to get to know me, and I only hope for the same in return. I often find myself pleasantly surprised, sometimes forever grateful, or at worst, slightly disappointed.

At the end of the day, it's up to each one of us to determine whether we are willing to open ourselves to that risk of disappointment in order to see what rewards we may receive, or if we'd rather be safe and secure in our current state of being. I only hope that I am lucky enough in my near future to receive more undeserved and unqualified, but definitely not unappreciated, chances to prove myself - in life, and in love.

Haunted

It's been so long since I've spared more than a few moments to think of you...You often cross my mind like spots floating in my field of vision, unsure if they are really there, unable to focus on them, yet somehow unable to see anything else.

I force myself to think of you now. To remember you. To experience the moments we shared with one another as if they occurred not years ago, but moments ago...not to recall the feelings of happiness or joy, but the feelings of sadness and disappointment. Not to recall your smile or laugh, but the look of indifference in your eyes and the sound of tolerance in your voice.

I wanted to take from us all the wonderful things you taught me, but you also left me with something I've never taken the time to identify or qualify, and over the past week I've had a constant reminder just how powerful it really is. You were the first person, and thus far the only person, I've ever just been me with...The crazy-stupid, wacky, funny, illogical person I want to be when no one is looking, except I wanted you to see...To know that behind the responsibility and the seriousness, beyond being proper and trying to be a role model, I wanted to be my own person, and could be my own person, with you.

For the life of me...you didn't think it was stupid or dumb. You made me feel safe in being myself. You accepted me for me, and it made me feel that much better about always being that way with you. And yet, in the end, it wasn't safe. In the end, for a reason still unknown to this day, it wasn't okay. Now that I think on it, taking the time to truly examine it, as open as I try to be with everyone I meet, as honest as I try to be, I can only remain so if I feel safe in the knowledge that what is truly me is still hidden and shrouded in obscurity...and although there are times when I lapse into actually revealing a bit of myself I so desperately try to withhold, I take comfort that it is only one piece in an otherwise unclear puzzle.

Over the years, I've come to feel that I'm a fairly open and honest person, choosing to share a lot of my thoughts and feelings with almost anyone, and more with those I have come to grow close to. But I've come to find out...that that really isn't the case at all. It's a paradox - I begin my relationships open and honest, unabashed about how I feel or what I think, and yet the closer I feel to someone, the more they learn about me and I of them, the more cautious and standoffish I become, often pushing people away before they can learn of my fears and desires, my prayers and my hopes.

I never knew it...but I'm haunted by the pain and sadness of truly opening myself up to someone, and I'm afraid to do it again. It's not my *greatest* fear, but it is ever-present in my subconscious. Perhaps one day, much like Casper, there will be a way to set me free of the ghost of you. fyh

The Road

I'm very much a people person. I spend every day introducing myself to new people, interacting and communicating with them on a professional level while I work and a personal level at play. I enjoy learning about people and above all, I enjoy the daily reminder that although we lead different lives, have different goals and dreams, we are all connected through our relationships with those that share our lives.

The better I get to know someone, the more I value their opinion and advice. The more their life impacts mine, the more I want to share my life with them as well. I have very few "friends", but those that I do have share a large portion of my heart and stay in my thoughts often. I rely on them and hope they know they can rely on me as well.

...But with girls, I've always noticed that at one time or another, there is or there will come a time when one of us, perhaps both of us, will come to the realization that if we are such great friends, why couldn't it be possible to have something beyond friendship? Why wouldn't it be better? If you care about one another, like one another through all the flaws and imperfections, strengths and qualities that you have come to discover, couldn't it be...more? Sometimes you start down the road of friendship and are happy to remain. Sometimes you want that road to diverge to something beyond, and sometimes you find yourself wanting to start at the fork and never look back...but I've come to realize that there aren't two roads...

The Road. We all start at the beginning, together, but throughout each journey, we often find one person walking a little faster, wishing the other would hurry to catch up, often wanting to drag them along even if they are content with the distance they've come so far. Sometimes I see the end in sight and the other person doesn't even know there is an end, and sometimes the opposite. Sometimes the only way to remain together is to be content in where we are, even if it's not the end, and sometimes that is not enough - the pain too great, the risk unworthy of the reward, so we lose our way.

...Sometimes you meet someone who you can picture with you at the end, unsure if it is a vision of the future or just a mirage barely visible from the corner of your eye, but whether a dream or reality, you find that however fast you might have to run, however slow you might need to walk, perhaps even stopping to enjoy the landscape of the moment, you are content with that...not because you can see the end in sight, but regardless of the ending, you don't want to take a step ahead or behind that person, only beside them. fyh

Courage

Mark Twain said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." I've always felt I had some. Maybe not in surplus, or a large abundance, but an adequate amount - enough to get me by. It's hard to be brave all the time. It's hard to show courage in the face of anything and everything. Sometimes...fear just gets the best of us.

Fear doesn't have to be debilitating or insurmountable, but often times it is just below the surface waiting for a chance to creep up on you. For me at least, there is always a small reminder of it in the back of my mind. Most of the time, it doesn't take any sort of conscious effort, bravery or courage to invisibly carry it around inside. My everyday life, family, and friends help me cope with it and move forward. But sometimes, it *does* creep up on me, and *sometimes*, it does cause me pain and sadness, but I think that's just the way of it - I think if there was a way to permanently remove fear from our lives...we'd be different. I think fear is an inherent human emotion that is part of what makes us...us - and without it, we'd be incomplete.

I say that, and yet I'm scared, and I don't wish to be. I wish it'd just go away, but I try to find the courage to hold it at bay and hold myself together - it isn't always easy, and at times, I can't. I used to think that "Courage" was putting on a brave face and showing others that everything is fine, to not worry and smile and laugh, all the while shaking and trembling deep inside...but courage is definitely not that. I need to gather myself, not only to be okay in the face of others, but to be okay within myself, to come to terms with my fears and my worries and realize that as afraid and uneasy as I may be, I need to be able to make peace with them...that's the Courage I am looking for, and that's the Courage I'm hoping to find.

Enlightening

Life is often what you make of it. You can wake up, get out of bed, go to work, do your job, come home, and get ready to do it all again, or you can take that minuscule extra amount of time it takes to do more, think, reflect, and learn something new each and every day, or if you're really lucky...maybe, just maybe, you can be blessed with a moment of enlightenment - when you realize that your outlook on things is now forever different than it was just a moment before.

This week has been especially stressful for me, but in (mostly) a good way. On Monday, I was given the opportunity to register DSL service and set up a wireless network for a small family. What makes their situation especially different is that they chose to get broadband Internet because the gentleman's wife was diagnosed with leukemia just two weeks ago, and in order for her to stay in touch with their 4 yr old daughter and 7 yr old son, they wanted to set up a web camera at the hospital and their home so she could see her kids and vice-versa.

As (bad) luck would have it, their dsl modem/router did not work initially (Mon - which is how I came to hear the story of what was transpiring). I exchanged it and tried again (Tues) to no avail. I called AT&T, which ran line tests, then scheduled and met with a technician to correct any issues (Wed). Their test modem worked just fine, but it was awkward that two brand new modems didn't work. I brought my own modem from home, which worked, and gave it to them (Thurs) and exchanged their modem for a router and set up their network (today, Fri). I helped them install their webcam and Skype, registering accounts so they could test it at home before bringing one of the laptops to the hospital. I can't describe what it meant to see their disappointment over several days when nothing seemed to work or go right, to seeing their relief, their excitement, their happiness and smiles knowing that they would be able to accomplish what they set out to do.

I was simply amazed...

...To watch the husband trying so hard to do everything, never stopping or slowing down - going to work, picking his kids up from pre-school and elementary school, getting them changed, making sure they did their homework, making sure they had dinner to eat, dealing with me and leaving for the hospital each evening (his parents came over and stayed with the kids overnight) to be with his wife, all while never once showing his kids the difficulty and sadness he must be experiencing. I can only hope I have the strength and determination to be that sort of husband whenever I do get married.

...To find out that no matter how many appointments I had scheduled, I could always find time to drive by and check in, and at the very least, let them know that they were still on my mind and that we would get it taken care of...that spending a few minutes of my time returning and exchanging items for them meant saving them hours driving back and forth when they had so much more important matters to take care of.

...To realize, yet again, that no matter how bad things are, someone always has it worse. To learn again that I should appreciate what I have and take a little bit of time out to show it. To see the strength of the human spirit, that when things seem like they can't get any worse...to know we can still come together, everyone doing their own small part to help someone else in need.

I didn't have the heart to say "Merry Christmas" and while on the verge of tears when leaving, I cried the entire way to my next appointment. My heart goes out to that family and their troubled times to come this holiday season, and knowing I can't do anything more than I have done is difficult to swallow. Knowing that my "busy" life can be so much more than it is motivates me, and as often is the case, I will redouble my efforts to make it so. Most importantly, I will make efforts to let those I do appreciate and value in my life know so, even if I am horrible at it - bear with me.

...We're often given the opportunity to see things from different perspectives, and while I definitely know how it feels to be that person in the hospital, often filled with self-pity because no one could possibly understand, other times worried about how everyone is coping...now seeing it from the other side and how it must feel being the family, unable to do anything to help is...Enlightening.

New beginnings...

As difficult as it is to truly say goodbye to something or someone (and just thinking about the people and the things I've had to say goodbye to recently stifles me), I think it's even more difficult to find the courage to move on and begin anew.

It's so easy to hold onto the past, to reminisce and hope that it can be as it once was. I've done it myself many a time. Eventually...*eventually*, I have to find the determination and the motivation to push forward, no matter how much I want to remain in the past. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, sometimes I go slumped and defeated, sometimes I cry as I struggle to let go, and other times I am able to hold my head high and move on without looking back.

I speak of "new beginnings" mostly because throughout my life, they haven't been - the majority of the time, I am reluctant to let go and even as I take one step forward, my head itches to turn around and look for what is only there as memories. It's hard, it truly is...

At this point in my life, although I'll never be over the occasional over-the-shoulder look into the past, I have realized that it is up to me, and only me, to move on, move forward, toward my future and away from my past. What has come before has shown me wisdom, given me knowledge, and served me humility. Who was in my past has shaped my personality, focused my views, and clarified my definitions - of what it means to be a friend, a lover, and a person worthy of those titles.

So as I say my goodbyes and start my new beginnings, I admit the fear that consumes me - of not knowing what's in store or how things will end, but having the friends, the family, and all that I've been allowed to learn beside me in this journey toward whatever it is that is out there for me. fyh

Goodbyes

What is it about goodbyes? Perhaps it's the memories that play across my mind. Perhaps it's the thought that afterward, these memories will only be memories...that they will remain in my past, and no longer be part of my future. It saddens me to realize this truth. How do you begin to relegate something or someone to your past when you want so much for them to be in your present and your future?

Many times in life when you say goodbye, you don't really have a choice. Take high school. Thinking back to the week leading up to graduation, I was pretty anxious and unsure of how I'd deal with leaving the majority of my friends behind. They were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I just couldn't fathom meeting new people and making new friends that could be *better* than my current ones. It's a testament to some that they are still my best friends to this day. However, I think the anxiety and sadness I was feeling went away so quickly because Life continued on - I already had plans to be somewhere else in less than a month, and I didn't have time to reminisce and dwell on the memories we all shared. At the same time, when we don't have a choice, I think we're better equipped to steel our hearts and find that determination to move forward and overcome.

Other times, there is a choice, whether you choose it or someone else, a conscious decision was made for a goodbye to take place. Each time I made the decision to say goodbye, I believed it was a thought-out decision that was best for me and the other party or parties involved. Was I confident that it was necessary? Absolutely. Was I happy about it each time? Absolutely not. Most of the time I'm completely broken up about it. Most of the time, even if I understand why it happened, I don't understand why it had to. I always think about the alternatives and why it couldn't be different! But that's just the person I am...and as much as I dwell on things that cannot be changed, I continue forward in my mind if not always in my heart.

Each time I didn't make the decision, I dwelt on things that could be changed. Things that could be talked about, compromised on, or at the very least, understood. It was something I couldn't help doing, but something that I've begun to have a better grasp of. Mostly, I think I've come to the point where I now realize I can only do so much. I can only give so much, try so much, and after that, if things don't work out, I've learned to be content with my effort. The rest wasn't up to me, was out of my control, so I couldn't sit around and berate myself for it, and I especially couldn't sit around and agonize about the "What If's".

Goodbyes can be trying, difficult things...and as sad as they appear to be before the end and during, the memories left from our past can be used to brighten the days in our future. Where there were beautiful times and experiences in our past, there are new beginnings in our future...fyh

just writing...

*a repost of an old blog because, for some reason, i always find random people i don't know captivating*

i often wonder to myself how this world ever came to be. the simplicity, the complexity, the black and white mixed with every shade of gray...it boggles my mind how hopeful and beautiful it can be one moment, and how bleak and ugly it can be the next.

i guess that's the way of things. everything needs balance, everything needs another force to contradict it, to challenge it, to justify it. i mean...what is good without evil. what is honesty without deceit. what is love without hate.

i guess i'm thinking of these things because whenever i see the glass half empty, something always reminds me that "no...it's half full". i meet people every day, hear and see the way they project themselves, the way they wish to be seen, and a lot of times it makes me wonder why people try so hard to be who they aren't. but who am i to decide whether they are deceiving themselves and others, or if they are truly themselves or at least are some part of themselves? i look within myself, look at how varied and bi-polar i can be at times, and it makes me realize...i don't know...there in lies the opportunity - the opportunity to put aside the pre-judgment and take the time to find out. with experience, with time, with taken opportunities, i have found the beauty hidden underneath the ugliness in everyone, fear and hate, strength and love, the same thoughts and feelings i myself have thought and felt a hundred thousand times before.

i think that is why i love reading blogs. it gives me the opportunity to learn about someone, to put myself in their shoes and imagine how they felt and are feeling without the prejudice of assuming i know beforehand what that is. i think people blog about their daily lives...so they don't have to cage away their thoughts and so they can put it out there because perhaps...just maybe, someone else out there knows how they feel and has felt what they're feeling. not for any sort of confirmation, advice, or sympathy, but just a silent cry to the stars with the knowledge that somewhere out there exists a person who knows what i'm feeling and may be feeling it right now, at this exact moment with me.

my favorite tv show has always been "the wonder years" and more recently "how i met your mother" - they materialize a desire i've always had my entire life; to be able to put into words, into speech, how i felt in the most precious moments of my life - to be able to explain how i felt, how i thought someone else felt, and dictate my memories so that others who might inquire or care would know my true thoughts. it's as if i am having a conversation with this person whose touching, viewing, feeling my life, holding their hand, smiling at them, letting their head rest against mine, letting their hand rest upon my heart, and all the feeling and thoughts so subtly hiding underneath the surface of my being suffuses their heart and their mind so they may feel what i felt, think what i thought and know the truth of that moment, my moment, forever now our moment...

i pray i can take the opportunities presented to me to find friendship where there was only intrigue, and if i'm luckily than i imagine myself to be, perhaps find love where there was only friendship.

Paths

This past weekend I made it out to my 10 year high school reunion...That's right, a whole 10 years have already gone by. It was great to see familiar faces, catch up on what everyone has been up to - with their careers, their family, their lives in general. Getting a chance to see everyone and converse with them made me realize a lot of things, about life and about me.

First and foremost, I've grown a whole lot in these past 10 years. The person I am is not the person I was, but I'm happy to say a large part of that "old me" still exists to this day, and looking back I'm lucky that I was able to hold on to that identity and expand upon it. The rest of it, the "new me", is not only lucky because I happened to develop heart failure months after graduation and obtained a heart transplant about a year afterward, but also lucky because it allowed me to experience a lot of the ups and downs that we only read about and see on tv. I was arrogant and expectant, the world sitting on a pedestal for the taking, and I poised to take it, only to be reduced in my adolescent eyes and humbled now in my adult ones.

It's been almost 9 years since then, and one of the most important things I've learned is that you can never really know a person until you take the opportunity to. What is on the surface is rarely what's inside, and it's short-sighted to assume so and closed-minded to pretend to know. I hope I have renewed some friendships and have and take the opportunity to keep them for a long time to come.

The most important thing I learned is that I realized we all walk different paths. The path I thought I was meant to walk diverted onto a different one, one I realized was the right path only after I was forced onto it. Going to college for 4 years, grad school for 2, finding a job, starting my career and getting married at 26, having 2-3 kids by 30 exactly in that order wasn't the path for me, and isn't the right path for everyone. Seeing everyone again, thinking of those of us that were not able to attend, and listening and learning about our lives, it's important to remember that whatever path we are on or have traveled, that we take and learn from our experiences. We take one step at a time, toward our own goals and dreams, and sometimes have to sidestep out of harm's way.

I hope in the *next* 10 years, we all choose the right path for ourselves, don't berate ourselves too much for sometimes choosing the wrong one, and choose to grow and learn from all of it, good or bad, right or wrong, because at the end of the day, if you are happy with where you are, you only got there because of the path you chose, including the few times you had to backtrack. I hope our paths will cross again in the future...Find Your Happiness.